Supermom

I admit...  I had a very different picture in my mind of what it would be like to be a stay-at-home mom.  The glorious picture looked something like this:

After so many months of settling in and getting used to our new life at home, my child would wake after a good night's rest, and I too, would wake rested (surely the exhaustion phase only lasted through the newborn phase). She would play and be happy on her play mat which would allow me to get ready for the day.

I would strap her happily into her car seat and we would run errands together.  I'd grab some groceries.  We'd go for a walk in the park.  We'd stop by a farmer's market and bring home fresh flowers.  We'd have weekly play dates, spending time with other mommys and their kiddos.

My child would go down for naps 3 times a day with no issues and sleep soundly.  During those naps, I would stroll through the house, getting laundry and dishes done, vacuum, clean the bathrooms, and have a lovely meal cooked and ready on the table when Caleb walks through the door.

That's what I envisioned for my life as a stay-at-home mom.  Basically, I thought I could be Supermom.  It's safe to say my every day looks nothing like this.  

I knew having a child was more than just baby giggles and snuggles.  But there is no way I could prepare myself for the reality of motherhood without actually living it.  I could hear all about the challenges and trials that come with the joys of motherhood.  But all of it is white noise without experiencing it.

Now here's what my every day actually looks like:

My child generally wakes up at a different time every morning.  I am awakened by her coos and squeals but feel as I've been hit by a truck.  My body feels like a ton of bricks as I drag myself out of bed to retrieve my daughter.  

I place her in the swing which on a good day, she'll last about 20 minutes in, while I grab myself some breakfast.  

We have some great play time together; she laughs at all the weird noises and funny faces I make and pulls my hair as she is enthralled with my hair right now.

Then she gets tired and naturally, it's nap time.  But she fights naps.  Just about every single one.  I rock her.  I sing to her.  I nurse her.  Sometimes it takes 20 min, other times I've spent 2+ hours trying to get her down (and yes, she is tired).  Once I get her asleep, I lay her down in the crib, as gently as possible, attempting to hold her pacifier in (because it falls out all the time even though she wants it) but wouldn't you know... she pops awake and lets me know she is not about to be left alone.  So then the routine begins all over again.

She wakes after a 30 minute nap (and when it takes over an hour to get her down, it just doesn't seem fair that her naps are only 30 minutes long.  HOW on earth can I get anything done in that amount of time?  By the time I start something, she wakes up).  Once she's up, we'll play some more.  But she does not stay content so that results in going out for a walk because that's what calms her down.

Oh and my daughter hated her car seat for the first 4 months of her life so I stayed in the house.  Every day.  I did not go anywhere. (She does great in it now by the way!)

Most days, Caleb comes home to a wife still in her pajamas who still hasn't been able to brush her teeth.  The sink is filled with dirty dishes.  The living room has exploded with baby items.  And as much as I love my daughter, I pass her to Caleb.  I feel tired.  I feel gross because I haven't had a shower in 3 days.  I feel like a bit of a failure of a stay-at-home mom because I can't get anything done in my own home.

Where is the Supermom in that?!  That sounds like a big fat serving of failure.  

Clearly, what I pictured and what is reality are at opposite ends of the spectrum.  BUT the Lord has been teaching me something in this new season of my life.  Grace.  

I am a stay-at-home mom for one reason.  My daughter.  She is the very reason that I am a stay-at-home mom.  It doesn't matter if my dishes do not get done.  It doesn't matter that it's been a few weeks and I still haven't managed to get the house vacuumed (don't judge me :-)  It doesn't matter that I have to wait until Caleb can watch her so I can run out to stock up on groceries.  If the Lord graciously lavishes grace upon us; I need to accept that grace for myself as well.

Everyone says this and I'm finally starting to believe it.  Raising your children is a 24/7 job.  It doesn't matter if it's 1 child or 5 children.  They require all of you.  She relies on me to feed her. Play with her.  Change her.  Bathe her.  Rock her.  Love her.  All that and more makes for a constant "job".  It's no wonder I can't get much done.  

I have slowly learned to accept that I will not get much else done during this season.  And I have slowly learned to grant myself grace when my natural bend is to be hard on myself for not being the "Supermom" I initially envisioned.  But when I shift my focus to simply caring for my child to the best of my ability and choosing to let the other things go, I suppose in the eyes of my child, I am Supermom and that is good enough for me.  The dishes can wait.

Letting go

You might smirk at what I'm about to tell you.  You might think I'm an overbearing parent.  You might empathize with me.  I hope it's the latter.  Although, you are completely allowed to feel how you want to feel :-)

Two nights ago, Selah had her first night in her "big girl bed."  What does this entail?  It means she slept in the crib instead of the bassinet.  That also means she slept in her room, not ours.  This milestone was harder on me than it was on her!

I was not expecting to get so emotional over this change.  We are going to begin sleep training this weekend and I thought it might be a good idea to get her used to her crib before we actually begin the training.  So when Sunday night came, we settled into our usual night routine: bath, book, prayer, nurse, sleep.  However, when the moment came to place her into her crib, I was overwhelmed with tears as I realized my baby is growing up.

I know, I know... maybe I'm being dramatic. Again.  
She is only 4.5 months old.  She is still a baby. But she is my baby that doesn't sleep in her bassinet RIGHT next to our bed anymore.  This change, albeit a small change, is the first of many to come.  I left her room, the tears flowed as I cried into Caleb's shoulder and I remember thinking "and so it begins..."

It was strange to walk into our bedroom and not see her there.  Her bassinet sat there, empty.  Even though she was in the next room, it felt like she was missing from our lives.  Remember, she has slept next to us for 4.5 months.  She knows nothing different.  And neither do we.

This is just one milestone we've reached as we learn to let go as Selah's parents.  Even something as simple as moving her into the next room, is still a "let go" moment.  I know there are many, many, many more moments that will come along in her life where Caleb and I will have to let go even more than the time before.  

Although, I made the decision to "let go" of my child even when I was pregnant with her.  She belongs to the Lord.  She always has.  And she always will belong to Him.  Of course, letting go is no easy feat and is something I feel I will have to re-learn each time it comes along.  
God has chosen us to be her earthly parents; we have been charged with this wonderful responsibility.  And while we love her more than she will ever know, it's amazing to think her Lord loves her even more than we ever could.  So naturally surrendering my child to the Lord is what makes sense to me, even those it is difficult.  When we choose to have her dedicated to the Lord, that will be a very emotional ceremony for me.  

Back to her first night in her crib, the good news is that she did incredibly well!  She slept fantastically!  We knew it was time to make the transition; she has become just about too big for the bassinet.  We went in to check on her and somehow, she had rotated herself completely to the other side of the crib.  I'm glad she has the extra room to sprawl out.  

This weekend is sleep training.  And let me tell you, this weekend could not get here fast enough!  We've had something going on every single weekend for a month and a half.  We wanted to dedicate at least 3 full days of sleep training and this weekend is the first weekend where we don't have much planned.  
What exactly does sleep training mean?  It means the main goal is to get our child to soothe herself to sleep.  We have chosen a method and will be diligently working through it this weekend.  Caleb is taking a day off work; that's how hard we are hitting this!  I'll let you know how it goes :-)
Of course I'm biased, but isn't my kiddo the cutest thing in the world?

Yarn wrapped letter tutorial

I made this cute monogram letter for my niece's nursery and I am thrilled with how it turned out!  It is a fairly inexpensive craft project but can certainly range in price depending on the type of yarn you choose, how many letters you buy or how many embellishments you'd like to add.

The paper-mache letter I bought at Hobby Lobby for about $2.50.

Some letters are tricky to wrap.  In this case, with the letter I, you begin by wrapping the letter vertically (the entire middle section and the 4 corners).

I used a piece of tape to secure the ends directly to the letter.  Once you finish wrapping the section, simply tie it off.  These vertical layers will eventually be covered by the 2nd horizontal layer.

The first vertical layers should be wrapped fairly thickly.  This will come in handy when it comes time to spread out the yarn to cover the corners.  If you wrap too thinly, you'll still be able to see some of the cardboard.  I failed to do this but know for next time.

Then, you'll wrap each section horizontally, getting as close to the edges as you can without the yarn popping off.  Once you finish, tie off on the back of the letter.  It doesn't really matter if you can see the knots, no one will see the back.

Now that your letter is wrapped, you want to cover the corners.  Simply spread out the vertical yarn to cover the edges.  This is why you want that first vertical layer to be fairly thick.  The horizontal layers covering the vertical layers prevents the vertical layers from popping off as you spread them out.

And lastly, adding the pretty final touches will be your final step.  You can add pretty much anything you want.  In this case, the 2 small ivory flowers are actually hair pins.  They were extremely easy to add as I simply slid them under the yarn which secured them tightly.

And ta-da!  You could place it on a bookshelf or hang it on the wall.  Here you are sweet Ilona!  A simple addition for your nursery made with love by your Auntie Ashley.

Fun on the farm

We took a little field trip to Kuiper Family Farm last Sunday for Jason's birthday.  It was the perfect fall day.  Bright blue skies.  Warm sun.  Cool fall breeze.  The smell of fried dough in the air.  Apple trees, pumpkins, kids.... kids... and more kids... everywhere!

While we waited for some of the group to pick apples, we had a little family photo shoot.  Happy fall! 

4 months

My sweet girl turned 4 months old this week.  *Sigh*  The months keep rolling by... and quickly, I might add.  I feel I will say this every time but while I miss my tiny nugget in the newborn stage, each month brings new developments that are so fun to witness.

Selah Grace
4 months
13 lbs 2 oz
24 inches (and then some - I didn't catch it all at the pediatrician appt - when your child is crying, it's hard to take in what the dr is saying).

Milestones
She has rolled over from tummy to back twice now.  I think the first time was an accident.  And the second time, I laid her on her tummy, turned for two seconds to grab a burp cloth and she rolled over by the time I turned around. Quick girl!
She has tried and tried and tried to roll from back to tummy but to no avail.  
She talks a lot which is one of my favorite things.  It is so stinkin' sweet.  
She gets excited when she sees us and herself in the mirror.
We have finally turned a corner with bath time!  She still looks a little apprehensive but she doesn't scream anymore.  Win!
She drools constantly.  And I mean, she soaks everything her little mouth touches.  
She has found her voice when it comes to letting us know she's annoyed or wants something she can't get for herself.  It's a whiny growl type noise.  
She only naps for 30 minutes at a time.
She has learned how to suck her thumb.
She is now successfully sleeping unswaddled.
She does not know how to soothe herself to sleep - that means we are left holding in her pacifier until she falls asleep.  This process can take anywhere from 3 minutes to an hour.  Yes, we will be sleep training very soon!
She is doing much better in the car seat.  We still have yet to make a full trip without her getting upset.
She is generally a very happy baby!  Most days are great days!  

Momma still has trouble getting much accomplished most days but I suppose keeping my child alive, healthy and happy should count for something.  :-)  

Happy 4 months my love.

Fun in the sun

Baby Selah has had two experiences at the pool this summer.  The first was at the pool in Aurora with Jason, Sarah and Ilona.  

Since Selah already doesn't enjoy bath time I was apprehensive about how she'd take to pool water. Unfortunately, it didn't help that the water was frigid.  It also did not help that I just plopped her little feet right in the water. What on earth was I was thinking?!  Of course she hated it!  She immediately began screaming.  Oops!  

After she calmed down, we resorted to dripping water on her legs to get her used to it and then slowly inched her little feet and legs into the water.  We didn't keep her in long since the water was chilly.  

 Ilona loved it!  But Selah was not happy about the water.

 Family time

My beautiful niece hamming it up

It's awesome having an older cousin.  Cute suit and hat to borrow!  

The second experience at the pool was just yesterday.  The Keith's hosted a pool party for our Bible study.  This time it went much smoother.  I learned from my mistake the first time.  Slooowwwwly inch baby into water = less opportunity for frightened child.  

Thankfully, the water was warmer.  We inched her in ... I felt myself tense up, almost holding my breath to see how she'd react.  Phew!  She didn't scream! Instead, she looked completely dazed.  She just stared off into the distance. But at least she didn't scream.

Our little family of 3

Here's to hoping she'll enjoy the water next summer :-)  Happy summer!  

The low down Part deux

To continue the saga of  "All that is Ashley", I've wracked my brain to come up with "fun facts" if you will and the quirks that fill my every day life.

- Yoga, Zumba and the Nike Training App are my go-to's for enjoyable workouts.  
- I do NOT enjoy running.  Not jogging, not running, not long distance, not sprints.  No running. If you want to torture me, make me run.  And if you really want to twist the knife, make me run outside.
- I have a sweet tooth.  I can probably thank my dad for this one.  
- I mix my Laffy Taffy.  I stack banana with strawberry.  Every time.
- Caleb calls me the Time Queen.  9 times out of 10, I'll be able to guess the time within minutes of the actual time.  And this is hours after not looking at a clock.
- I tend to leave projects half completed.
- I do not perform well under pressure.
- I love when Caleb scratches my back and head.  Getting my hair washed at a salon is like heaven in a beauty chair.
- Vacations are my favorite.  Anywhere in the Caribbean is my first choice.
- Although I am not a fan of laying out in the sun.  I sweat like a pig and it's utterly miserable.  Laying out in the sun in one of these is MUCH better.
- Especially now with a baby, I can get ready in under 15 minutes, clothed, hair, make-up and all.
- I make it a goal to pack only 1 bag when going on a trip...  And I succeed every time.
- I am a morning person.
- Andrew Belle is my favorite musical artist.
- I do not enjoy playing sports... of any kind.  I am perfectly content being a supportive spectator.
- I am a huge baby when it comes to cold water.  I grew up with grandparents whose pool water would be in the 80s.  Ohhhhh the good life.
- Crowds generally overwhelm me.
- I admittedly love reality tv shows. 
- My favorite TV show is still Friends.  You would definitely want me on your team if we played Friends trivia.
- I thoroughly enjoyed all of the Harry Potter books.
- I love Disney World and theme parks in general.
- I really enjoy writing (hence the blog).  I find I communicate best through writing.
- Speaking of writing, I used to write plays, movie scripts, and books when I was a kid.
- Speaking of being a kid, I would stay inside from recess to read books.  Introvert much?
- I've been on missions trips to Mexico, South Africa and Zambia.  I would love to go back to South Africa as it's one of the most beautiful places I've been.
- I was in the Miss Illinois Teen USA pageant my sophomore year in high school.
- I played Miss Hannigan in the musical Annie my senior year in high school. LOVED playing this role.
- I like sending and receiving cards.
- I'm terrible about keeping my phone charged.
- I would rather load the dishwasher with dirty dishes than unload the clean ones. Weird, I know.
- I don't like attention.
- Wearing my hair up and/or wearing headbands gives me headaches. Sad day. 

Perhaps you learned a little something!

The low down Part Un

I'm not sure you know me.  I mean, I know that you know me.  But I don't think you KNOW me. Up until a couple years ago, there was a lot that I didn't know or understand about myself.  To be fair, I'm sure it's safe to say that not many of us really knows the other person, no matter if they are a friend, family member or co-worker. It's not common for most people to wear on their sleeves the ins and outs of how they tick.  But if you're willing to "bare all" and share with others what does make you tick, it can sure be insightful and even helpful.

So.  Allow me to talk about myself.  Well really, it's more of an assessment on "Who is Ashley" and "What makes her tick?" which I think is helpful to share with people.  So, get ready for the low down on all that is Ashley.  The 411.  The play by play.

Now... I can be an open book.  But it takes a special situation for me to become just that... an open book.  I think that's a tendency of most introverts.  More on that in a bit.

At my previous job, we took personality/behavioral tendency tests very seriously as it became an important part of our jobs, how we relate to each other and how we can best utilize everyone's strengths.  
Have you heard of the DISC test?  Here's a brief snippet on the 4 personality styles:
D - Decision (director)
I - Interactive (socializer)
S - Stabilizing (relator)
C - Cautious (thinker)

When I took the test last summer, I scored dead even as a high S, C.  What exactly does this mean?  Here are some words used to describe a high S, C person:
S - Patient, predictable, passive, complacent, stable
C - Cautious, perfectionist, systemic, careful, analytical

That means I scored really low as a D, I.  Some words to describe someone who is a low D, I are:
D - Agreeable, mild, conservative
I - Withdrawn, matter-of-fact, reflective

Does any of that sound familiar to you when you think of me?  It's pretty dead on accurate.

I also err on the side of being introverted.  I do need social interaction from time to time.  And I also enjoy really solid, fruitful conversation.  I would feel utterly alone if I didn't spend time with people. However, too much interaction is exhausting and overstimulating; the best way for me to recuperate after a major social event is to curl up in bed with a bowl of popcorn and watch a movie either by myself or with Caleb.  
To you extroverts, that may make your hair stand on end since extroverts tend to need to socialize and are energized by it.  Most of the time, it drains introverts like myself.  If you want to learn more about what constitutes as an introvert or if you're curious if maybe you fall in that category, take a look at this article.  It's super helpful and interesting!

At my previous job, we also took a test on the 7 Dimensions of Value and Motivation.  I scored super high in Aesthetic, Regulatory and Economic. Now, what the heck does that mean?

I could write forever on this.  After all, I have a 71 page report on yours truly that the Senior Vice President of Enrollment Management went over with me last summer.  Yea... I told you we take this seriously.  But to pick through the fluff and to condense paragraph after paragraph, chart after chart, takes a while. Remember... I'm a high C :-)

Anyway, the areas I scored high in through the Value and Motivation test are:
Aesthetic - a drive for balance, harmony and form 
Regulatory - a drive to establish order, routine and structure 
Economic - a drive for economic or practical returns 

Is this new news to you?  It might be!  It was news to me.  Once you learn your strengths, it's extremely helpful as you can 1) better utilize them within your job or any other area in your life and 2) so you can learn what other's strengths are which helps to better understand why they are the way they are which can help alleviate tension.  In other words, it helps to turn being annoyed by the differences into appreciating the differences.

It's easy to be annoyed with someone who is polar opposite of you.  
It's so annoying, she's WAY too detailed...  It's so annoying, he is ALWAYS late...  It's so annoying, it takes her FOREVER to put structure to and verbalize her thoughts.  Spit it out sista!

But here's the thing.  When you start to learn the ins and outs of those behavioral tendencies, it helps to understand that person a little better and to "cut them some slack."  After all, they're just being who they are! Think about it.  If we were all laid back, we'd have a world filled with people who could never get things done.  Or if we were all Type A, we'd have a world filled with go-go-go people and the stress level would be through the roof.

The great thing about us all being so different is that we balance each other out.  Hmm... I think God knew what He was doing when He created us.  Don't you?

Just last week, Caleb and I were talking about the 5 Love Languages.  We took the test when we were engaged but decided maybe it was time to take it again to see if anything has shifted.  On a scale from 1-12, here is how I ranked:
10 Quality Time
9 Physical Touch
5 Acts of Service
3 Words of Affirmation
3 Receiving Gifts

I may be an introvert but I'd much rather spend quality time with a few close friends rather than have small talk with 20 random people (read that above article on introverts!)  Also, some of you may know how I feel about physical touch.  You might be staring at your screen, jaw dropped thinking "Nuh-uh! She does not have physical touch as a top love language!"  You're right.  It ranked high because the test was taken in regards to how I most feel loved when my spouse does this or that.  So with Caleb, yes, physical touch ranks high.  But with others.... you are in my personal space buddy.  Back up.  Step off.  And in the words of Kuzco from The Emperor's New Groove, "No touchy!" Sure I'm over exaggerating just a tad.  My co-workers gave me such a hard time about never wanting to be hugged because SO many of them loved giving and receiving hugs.  And I mean LOVE.  It seemed to them that giving/receiving hugs was like opening a beautifully wrapped gift on Christmas morning that exploded with glitter, unicorns, rainbows and cotton candy. To me, that anticipated awkward hug at the end of a social event with acquaintances would bring on enough anxiety to last a life time.  

The funny this is, I hate taking personality tests.  Want to know why?  It's because I tend to see things black and white.  I hate the gray area. The gray area overwhelms me.  My brain rejects it.  I need things to be either this or that, here or there, all or nothing.  So when I hear the word personality test, a part of me, ok, a huge part of me begins to feel anxiety.  Why freak out? Well, it's because how could these tests possibly be accurate when half the time I feel I could circle all of the options on these tests!  Some days I feel like answer a but tomorrow I could feel like answer b.  
Hmm... I guess this is just another part of who I am... again with the high C.  Remember some of those high C trigger words?  Cautious, perfectionist, systemic, careful, analytical   
None of those adjectives go well with directions that say "select the answer the best describes you."

Did you learn something new about me?  I hope so!  Maybe now things make more sense, they do to me!

Now that I've rambled on A LOT about myself, I will close the "scientific" portion of this post (what the tests say about me).  I'll list a bunch of fun facts and weird quirks about myself in Part Deux.  Maybe you'll learn something about moi you didn't know before!

3 months young

Ah!  Where have the last 3 months gone?!  It feels like we've barely had a summer.  For one, the weather has been unusually mild (no complaints here!) and two, being a stay-at-home mommy has not allowed for me to get out much. 
Even though my job is now completely different, the rest of the world has continued on as usual.  It's weird to not be "a part of it."  Meaning, I'm no longer a part of the daily rush hour traffic (thank goodness!).  I no longer listen to the radio at the same time of day (I have no idea what's going on in the world!).  I no longer dialogue with co-workers in a professional setting (I now speak fluent baby).  I no longer take lunch breaks (hmm it's 2 pm, I should probably eat something.).  I no longer get the luxury of a daily shower. TMI?  Well, sorry.  That's just how it is nowadays.

All that change (and much more change not even mentioned) for one special little lady who has stolen my heart.  

Selah turned 3 months young today.  

  
What new milestones has she reached?  Well!  I'm glad you asked.  Of course I'll take this moment to gush about my daughter!

She is a rock star at smiling.  She has pretty smiles.  She has big smiles.  She has shy smiles.  She has squinty eye smiles.  I love all of them.  
She is much more active.  She can entertain herself on her playmat for quite awhile.  She grabs the toys that hang from her playmat.  
She squeals.  She babbles.  She coos.  She kicks her legs like there's no tomorrow. She flaps her arms when she gets excited.  
She wiggles out of her swaddle wrap and sucks on her fists.  She hasn't figured out how to suck her thumb yet.  But I guess the fist will suffice. 
She sleeps 3-4 hours at night before waking up to eat.  She is up to about 3 naps a day but all are much shorter now.  I only get 30-40 min of "free time" during those naps.
She loves to be outside.  We take a walk almost every day.  It instantly calms her down.  She looks all around with big eyes.
She hates baths.  We still have yet to get through bath time without her screaming bloody murder.  No, the water isn't too hot.  No, the water isn't too cold.  Yes, we soothe her, sing to her, act like bath time is the best thing ever.  Nothing works.  
She likes to see us clap.  She likes it when we sing.
We just introduced the Baby Snug chair yesterday and she does well in it!  It seems a good tool to help strengthen her neck and she actually enjoys it since she is NOT a fan of tummy time.

My memory of what life was like before Selah is already fading quickly.  I can't believe how much she's grown already in just 3 short months.  It's mind blowing the change we will eventually see from her 1 week photo to 12 month photo.  Yikes!  But for now, I'm living day by day with her, taking in all her new developments.  Happy 3 months Selah Grace!  

Weeding out the disappointments

Pinterest is addicting.  Pinterest is also the queen of pins that claim to be "the BEST recipe ever".  I've tried my fair share of recipes that I found through Pinterest and quite frankly, a lot of them have been flops.

Now... I'm no Chef Gordon Ramsey but I can cook... for the most part.  I'm my own worst critic in the kitchen.  So when I make something that tastes good, in my book, it turned out superb!  When I make something that is disappointing, most of the time it's the ingredients themselves that just didn't mesh well enough to make a tasty dish and not the execution.  I mean how hard is it to boil noodles and add sauces?

Although, trust me.  I've had my fair share of "Doh!  I definitely screwed that up!" moments in the kitchen.  I attempted to make homemade cinnamon rolls one time and it turns out execution and the EXACT amount of ingredients is 100% necessary.  I ended up with a cinnamon roll disaster that would bring shame to any mother's kitchen.  Maybe when I'm 50 I'll be able to pull it off.

I tried 2 new recipes recently and both turned out phenomenal!  Both were super easy and super tasty.  Both are Asian dishes with similar ingredients but two very different tasting dishes.

I find it's helpful to hear from friends, whose cooking abilities I trust, what recipes they tried from Pinterest that actually turned out really well.  Since there are so many fraudulent recipes claiming to be the BEST ever, I've been burned one too many times (figuratively speaking) by spending time and money making it only to be not impressed in the slightest.

If you're up for an Asian dish that's relatively quick to whip up, try these!

PS I added chicken to the Spicy Thai Noodles for additional heartiness.  

Try them out!