When we first met together, we each communicated to the group that we wanted true community with each other. Most of us had been in a small group before where perhaps some people in the group wanted realness but it always resulted in the same thing: surfacey Bible studies week after week with no accountability and no community outside of our weekly meeting.
To be blunt (and in my opinion): groups like this are a waste of time as it produces no real growth in any one area. We all have busy lives and it's to the point where we have to make our time count. I don't know if you've experienced this but for me, I'm tired of wasting what precious hours I have (alone!) on a "bible study" that is so surfacey I leave thinking "That was ridiculous - I learned nothing and don't know anyone any better. Where's the depth?!"
Groups like this are pseudocommunity or in otherwards, fake. And I'm a guilty patron of this type of "community". (This is where I sheepishly raise my hand half-way in the air and scrunch my face as if to say, "Uh-oh... that's me... guilty.")
Along with our Bible study, we are reading a book called Everybody's Normal Till You Get to Know Them by John Ortberg. The definition of pseudocommunity blew my mind as it hit way too close to home:
"Its hallmark is the avoidance of conflict. In pseudocommunity we keep things safe; we speak in generalities, we say things that those around us will agree with. We tell little white lies to make sure no one's feelings get hurt, no one gets tense. We keep relationships pleasant and well-oiled. Conversations are carefully filtered to make sure no one gets offended; if we feel hurt or irritated, we are careful to hide it. Pseudocommunity is agreeable and polite and gentle and stagnant - and ultimately fatal."
Yikes.
And this couldn't be more true. I have felt this SO many times. And not just in previous Bible studies, but my life in general.
While I greatly, deeply, desperately want true, genuine community, it's not that easy. If it were easy, I would not have resonated with the description of pseudocommunity.... my life at times!
Being genuine, being open, being honest, involves a great deal of vulnerability. To be honest, it's downright scary to speak up and share how you really feel. These thoughts begin to creep in:
"What if I'm the only one that thinks this?"
"What if they all disagree with me?"
"If I share this, will they think I'm a horrible Christian?"
"I'm never able to articulate my thoughts well enough, so I'll just keep them to myself."
Think back to old cartoons... this is the part where the red warning light goes off and a loud robotic voice comes over the speaker shouting "Danger! Danger Danger!"
Wow. Satan has an annoying knack for wriggling into any crevice of my heart to plant his lies which seeps into my soul. Not only it is annoying but it is dangerous.
In order to grow that community, in order to make it true, life giving, and genuine, you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable. You have to allow yourself to speak up if you disagree (but in love). You have to be willing to speak the truth in love to a fellow believer (accountability) and you have to learn to accept being rebuked. I'm not saying this is easy. In fact, it's quite uncomfortable. I am still learning how to practice genuine community.
The other thing I want to mention is that I fully believe that this type of community I (along with my small group) so greatly desire involves a heavy dose of getting to know how each person operates (like the DISC test or Myers-Briggs assessment). Navigating a Bible study with 10 women is sure to be full of highs and lows. It takes a great deal of time to truly get to know someone and to also build each other's trust. And truly knowing them (how they operate) is not something that happens overnight. But learning it will help immensely in this journey of finding and practicing genuine community.
This is just a small peek into what's been on my heart lately as I contemplate what genuine community is and what pseudo (fake) community is and I have come to realize my life has been full of pseudocommunity moments. But it's not what I desire.
Honestly, I get annoyed when people over-spiritualize things and that's certainly not what I'm trying to do here, but I truly believe that this group of women is ordained by God and some great things will come of it as time passes.
It's time to strap on my big girl boots and get in the mud with these 9 women cause life is dirty and messy but living it together honestly and genuinely, reminds me I am not alone; I can rely on these women and that's a beautiful thing.
