Supermom

I admit...  I had a very different picture in my mind of what it would be like to be a stay-at-home mom.  The glorious picture looked something like this:

After so many months of settling in and getting used to our new life at home, my child would wake after a good night's rest, and I too, would wake rested (surely the exhaustion phase only lasted through the newborn phase). She would play and be happy on her play mat which would allow me to get ready for the day.

I would strap her happily into her car seat and we would run errands together.  I'd grab some groceries.  We'd go for a walk in the park.  We'd stop by a farmer's market and bring home fresh flowers.  We'd have weekly play dates, spending time with other mommys and their kiddos.

My child would go down for naps 3 times a day with no issues and sleep soundly.  During those naps, I would stroll through the house, getting laundry and dishes done, vacuum, clean the bathrooms, and have a lovely meal cooked and ready on the table when Caleb walks through the door.

That's what I envisioned for my life as a stay-at-home mom.  Basically, I thought I could be Supermom.  It's safe to say my every day looks nothing like this.  

I knew having a child was more than just baby giggles and snuggles.  But there is no way I could prepare myself for the reality of motherhood without actually living it.  I could hear all about the challenges and trials that come with the joys of motherhood.  But all of it is white noise without experiencing it.

Now here's what my every day actually looks like:

My child generally wakes up at a different time every morning.  I am awakened by her coos and squeals but feel as I've been hit by a truck.  My body feels like a ton of bricks as I drag myself out of bed to retrieve my daughter.  

I place her in the swing which on a good day, she'll last about 20 minutes in, while I grab myself some breakfast.  

We have some great play time together; she laughs at all the weird noises and funny faces I make and pulls my hair as she is enthralled with my hair right now.

Then she gets tired and naturally, it's nap time.  But she fights naps.  Just about every single one.  I rock her.  I sing to her.  I nurse her.  Sometimes it takes 20 min, other times I've spent 2+ hours trying to get her down (and yes, she is tired).  Once I get her asleep, I lay her down in the crib, as gently as possible, attempting to hold her pacifier in (because it falls out all the time even though she wants it) but wouldn't you know... she pops awake and lets me know she is not about to be left alone.  So then the routine begins all over again.

She wakes after a 30 minute nap (and when it takes over an hour to get her down, it just doesn't seem fair that her naps are only 30 minutes long.  HOW on earth can I get anything done in that amount of time?  By the time I start something, she wakes up).  Once she's up, we'll play some more.  But she does not stay content so that results in going out for a walk because that's what calms her down.

Oh and my daughter hated her car seat for the first 4 months of her life so I stayed in the house.  Every day.  I did not go anywhere. (She does great in it now by the way!)

Most days, Caleb comes home to a wife still in her pajamas who still hasn't been able to brush her teeth.  The sink is filled with dirty dishes.  The living room has exploded with baby items.  And as much as I love my daughter, I pass her to Caleb.  I feel tired.  I feel gross because I haven't had a shower in 3 days.  I feel like a bit of a failure of a stay-at-home mom because I can't get anything done in my own home.

Where is the Supermom in that?!  That sounds like a big fat serving of failure.  

Clearly, what I pictured and what is reality are at opposite ends of the spectrum.  BUT the Lord has been teaching me something in this new season of my life.  Grace.  

I am a stay-at-home mom for one reason.  My daughter.  She is the very reason that I am a stay-at-home mom.  It doesn't matter if my dishes do not get done.  It doesn't matter that it's been a few weeks and I still haven't managed to get the house vacuumed (don't judge me :-)  It doesn't matter that I have to wait until Caleb can watch her so I can run out to stock up on groceries.  If the Lord graciously lavishes grace upon us; I need to accept that grace for myself as well.

Everyone says this and I'm finally starting to believe it.  Raising your children is a 24/7 job.  It doesn't matter if it's 1 child or 5 children.  They require all of you.  She relies on me to feed her. Play with her.  Change her.  Bathe her.  Rock her.  Love her.  All that and more makes for a constant "job".  It's no wonder I can't get much done.  

I have slowly learned to accept that I will not get much else done during this season.  And I have slowly learned to grant myself grace when my natural bend is to be hard on myself for not being the "Supermom" I initially envisioned.  But when I shift my focus to simply caring for my child to the best of my ability and choosing to let the other things go, I suppose in the eyes of my child, I am Supermom and that is good enough for me.  The dishes can wait.