Motherhood unveiled

Savannah Joy, sweet happy girl, our second born ... The poor child has no posts about her besides her birth story. Not because I don't want to, quite the contrary, I think about it often but either time doesn't allow, children's needs do not cease or energy evades me... Or usually all three strike at the same time. 
Having two kids is proving to be more difficult than having one.  I remember struggling with one child.  It took Selah over a year before accepting nap time and getting on a decent schedule.  Doesn't seem like a big deal reading it but let me tell you... there were many, MANY tears shed from the both of us during the nap battle days.

And then I got pregnant with Savannah.  Having one toddler while pregnant felt like climbing Mt. Everest most days.  Exhaustion to the max with pregnancy symptoms while desiring special one-on-one time with Selah before our family changed and grew to 4.

While I've only been a mother of 2 for 3 months, I'd say my days with two children have evened out regarding the good days outnumbering the bad days.  I think I can count on one hand the number of bad ... and I mean BAD, days we've had.  

The bad/hard days usually consist of my toddler choosing poor listening skills and disobeying which results in several tantrums and mommy figuring out how to effectively discipline (and this happens all.day.long on these more challenging of days).  And on the infant side of it, the hard part usually revolves around nap time (getting her to fall asleep and stay asleep for more than 3 minutes... and this means I am running back upstairs to replace a fallen paci or rock her every 3 minutes until she decides she wants to be asleep asleep. There are times I've played that game for over 2 hours.  And then I end up with an overtired infant and a mom about to lose it).

I knew better than to look up advice online because of the outrageous plethora of conflicting information.  But against my better judgement, I did it anyway.  Of course, half the parental society told me a newborn was 100% capable of being put on a schedule (particularly the sleeping portion).  The other half dug their heels in and said a newborn is not physically capable or developed enough to do such a thing.  I attempted to get Savannah on a schedule when she was around 2 months old.  Try as I might, she's not on one yet (she just turned 3 months).  Just this past week I've finally accepted that.  A schedule will emerge soon enough.  Maybe your infant sleeps at the same time every day for the same length of time... but that is soooo not the case for my littles.  And I admit I envy your predictable daily schedule.

The first day Caleb went back to work after his paternity leave and it was just me and both kids... alone... that was a rollercoaster day.  How was I to put the baby down for several naps (which took several attempts to get her down) while my toddler was left downstairs alone?  That doesn't seem right or safe. But taking my oldest upstairs with us results in her bursting in the room excited to see her sister which then in turn wakes up the baby and I have to start all over again.  
Insert pulling hair out emoji here.

That first day with the two of them, I distinctly remember looking at the clock over and over with steam coming out my ears and muttering under my breath as I impatiently and angrily waited for him to get off work so I could throw (not literally) our screaming newborn at him so I could use both hands to finish dinner for our hungry, impatient and whining toddler.  I was a mess.  Literally.  Unshowered.  Still in pajamas. Unbrushed teeth.  Frazzled.  Angry. About to burst into tears. I probably had a piece of toast and cookies to eat that day.  A glowing picture of a Train.Wreck.Mom. 

A friend of mine reminded me that perspective and joy can easily sink to the bottom during these trying times.  She's absolutely right.  For years all I dreamed of was having children... being a mommy.  No one can prepare you for the trials that motherhood brings.  And no one can prepare you for the heart melting, beautiful, sweet moments that your children bring into each day (and they aren't even trying to do sweet things... it just oozes from them).

I can say without a doubt and without hesitation that motherhood has been the single most difficult mountain I've ever climbed. There are days that have left me tired. dirty. angry. ashamed. tearful. 

But as my friend said, perspective and joy easily sink to the bottom when the ugly side of the challenges overshadow the positive side of challenges.  It happens far too often.  And when I'm reminded of this, it makes me sad.  But I simply need to readjust my perspective and remember why I wanted to be a mommy in the first place.  My job is 24/7.  And it is important.  My little ones are sponges, soaking in information and knowledge constantly. 

My job is to teach them, equip them, love them... through every tear, through every tantrum, through every scraped knee, through every scared moment of shadows and bath tubs, through the laughs, through the silly, through the hugs and kisses, through it all.  I want to point my children to Jesus. To forgiveness.  To grace. To love. 

Even though we have hard days... and there are many more hard days to come I am sure... I don't ever want to forget the joy that my children bring me.  They are my most precious and beautiful gifts that God has chosen to grant me.  I take my role as their mother very seriously.  Motherhood brings inevitable challenges and that in of itself is ok and even necessary for growth.  But I certainly don't wish for my sin to bury my perspective and joy under the muck of that sinful nature.  
Even though there are days that have left me tired. dirty. angry. ashamed. tearful... there are days that have left me grateful, humbled, happy with tears of sweet innocence as I sing my babies to sleep, pictures and videos for me to remember fun and sweet moments caught in time.  

Motherhood is not what I expected it to be.  It's much harder.  It's not wrapped in a pretty bow.  It doesn't leave myself, my children and my home in Pinterest perfect shape.  It's a messy life that I don't have much control over.  It is molding me daily.  Although sometimes molding is painful.  But that's a part of it.  And I hope to be a better person, wife and mother for it.  God knew motherhood would be challenging.  So that's why He allowed a delicious cherry on top.  Motherhood brings a love like I have never known.