I admit... I had a very different picture in my mind of what it would be like to be a stay-at-home mom. The glorious picture looked something like this:
After so many months of settling in and getting used to our new life at home, my child would wake after a good night's rest, and I too, would wake rested (surely the exhaustion phase only lasted through the newborn phase). She would play and be happy on her play mat which would allow me to get ready for the day.
I would strap her happily into her car seat and we would run errands together. I'd grab some groceries. We'd go for a walk in the park. We'd stop by a farmer's market and bring home fresh flowers. We'd have weekly play dates, spending time with other mommys and their kiddos.
My child would go down for naps 3 times a day with no issues and sleep soundly. During those naps, I would stroll through the house, getting laundry and dishes done, vacuum, clean the bathrooms, and have a lovely meal cooked and ready on the table when Caleb walks through the door.
That's what I envisioned for my life as a stay-at-home mom. Basically, I thought I could be Supermom. It's safe to say my every day looks nothing like this.
I knew having a child was more than just baby giggles and snuggles. But there is no way I could prepare myself for the reality of motherhood without actually living it. I could hear all about the challenges and trials that come with the joys of motherhood. But all of it is white noise without experiencing it.
Now here's what my every day actually looks like:
My child generally wakes up at a different time every morning. I am awakened by her coos and squeals but feel as I've been hit by a truck. My body feels like a ton of bricks as I drag myself out of bed to retrieve my daughter.
I place her in the swing which on a good day, she'll last about 20 minutes in, while I grab myself some breakfast.
We have some great play time together; she laughs at all the weird noises and funny faces I make and pulls my hair as she is enthralled with my hair right now.
Then she gets tired and naturally, it's nap time. But she fights naps. Just about every single one. I rock her. I sing to her. I nurse her. Sometimes it takes 20 min, other times I've spent 2+ hours trying to get her down (and yes, she is tired). Once I get her asleep, I lay her down in the crib, as gently as possible, attempting to hold her pacifier in (because it falls out all the time even though she wants it) but wouldn't you know... she pops awake and lets me know she is not about to be left alone. So then the routine begins all over again.
She wakes after a 30 minute nap (and when it takes over an hour to get her down, it just doesn't seem fair that her naps are only 30 minutes long. HOW on earth can I get anything done in that amount of time? By the time I start something, she wakes up). Once she's up, we'll play some more. But she does not stay content so that results in going out for a walk because that's what calms her down.
Oh and my daughter hated her car seat for the first 4 months of her life so I stayed in the house. Every day. I did not go anywhere. (She does great in it now by the way!)
Most days, Caleb comes home to a wife still in her pajamas who still hasn't been able to brush her teeth. The sink is filled with dirty dishes. The living room has exploded with baby items. And as much as I love my daughter, I pass her to Caleb. I feel tired. I feel gross because I haven't had a shower in 3 days. I feel like a bit of a failure of a stay-at-home mom because I can't get anything done in my own home.
Where is the Supermom in that?! That sounds like a big fat serving of failure.
Clearly, what I pictured and what is reality are at opposite ends of the spectrum. BUT the Lord has been teaching me something in this new season of my life. Grace.
I am a stay-at-home mom for one reason. My daughter. She is the very reason that I am a stay-at-home mom. It doesn't matter if my dishes do not get done. It doesn't matter that it's been a few weeks and I still haven't managed to get the house vacuumed (don't judge me :-) It doesn't matter that I have to wait until Caleb can watch her so I can run out to stock up on groceries. If the Lord graciously lavishes grace upon us; I need to accept that grace for myself as well.
Everyone says this and I'm finally starting to believe it. Raising your children is a 24/7 job. It doesn't matter if it's 1 child or 5 children. They require all of you. She relies on me to feed her. Play with her. Change her. Bathe her. Rock her. Love her. All that and more makes for a constant "job". It's no wonder I can't get much done.
I have slowly learned to accept that I will not get much else done during this season. And I have slowly learned to grant myself grace when my natural bend is to be hard on myself for not being the "Supermom" I initially envisioned. But when I shift my focus to simply caring for my child to the best of my ability and choosing to let the other things go, I suppose in the eyes of my child, I am Supermom and that is good enough for me. The dishes can wait.
You might smirk at what I'm about to tell you. You might think I'm an overbearing parent. You might empathize with me. I hope it's the latter. Although, you are completely allowed to feel how you want to feel :-)
Two nights ago, Selah had her first night in her "big girl bed." What does this entail? It means she slept in the crib instead of the bassinet. That also means she slept in her room, not ours. This milestone was harder on me than it was on her!
I was not expecting to get so emotional over this change. We are going to begin sleep training this weekend and I thought it might be a good idea to get her used to her crib before we actually begin the training. So when Sunday night came, we settled into our usual night routine: bath, book, prayer, nurse, sleep. However, when the moment came to place her into her crib, I was overwhelmed with tears as I realized my baby is growing up.
I know, I know... maybe I'm being dramatic. Again.
She is only 4.5 months old. She is still a baby. But she is my baby that doesn't sleep in her bassinet RIGHT next to our bed anymore. This change, albeit a small change, is the first of many to come. I left her room, the tears flowed as I cried into Caleb's shoulder and I remember thinking "and so it begins..."
It was strange to walk into our bedroom and not see her there. Her bassinet sat there, empty. Even though she was in the next room, it felt like she was missing from our lives. Remember, she has slept next to us for 4.5 months. She knows nothing different. And neither do we.
This is just one milestone we've reached as we learn to let go as Selah's parents. Even something as simple as moving her into the next room, is still a "let go" moment. I know there are many, many, many more moments that will come along in her life where Caleb and I will have to let go even more than the time before.
Although, I made the decision to "let go" of my child even when I was pregnant with her. She belongs to the Lord. She always has. And she always will belong to Him. Of course, letting go is no easy feat and is something I feel I will have to re-learn each time it comes along.
God has chosen us to be her earthly parents; we have been charged with this wonderful responsibility. And while we love her more than she will ever know, it's amazing to think her Lord loves her even more than we ever could. So naturally surrendering my child to the Lord is what makes sense to me, even those it is difficult. When we choose to have her dedicated to the Lord, that will be a very emotional ceremony for me.
Back to her first night in her crib, the good news is that she did incredibly well! She slept fantastically! We knew it was time to make the transition; she has become just about too big for the bassinet. We went in to check on her and somehow, she had rotated herself completely to the other side of the crib. I'm glad she has the extra room to sprawl out.
This weekend is sleep training. And let me tell you, this weekend could not get here fast enough! We've had something going on every single weekend for a month and a half. We wanted to dedicate at least 3 full days of sleep training and this weekend is the first weekend where we don't have much planned.
What exactly does sleep training mean? It means the main goal is to get our child to soothe herself to sleep. We have chosen a method and will be diligently working through it this weekend. Caleb is taking a day off work; that's how hard we are hitting this! I'll let you know how it goes :-)
Of course I'm biased, but isn't my kiddo the cutest thing in the world?
I made this cute monogram letter for my niece's nursery and I am thrilled with how it turned out! It is a fairly inexpensive craft project but can certainly range in price depending on the type of yarn you choose, how many letters you buy or how many embellishments you'd like to add.
The paper-mache letter I bought at Hobby Lobby for about $2.50.
Some letters are tricky to wrap. In this case, with the letter I, you begin by wrapping the letter vertically (the entire middle section and the 4 corners).
I used a piece of tape to secure the ends directly to the letter. Once you finish wrapping the section, simply tie it off. These vertical layers will eventually be covered by the 2nd horizontal layer.
The first vertical layers should be wrapped fairly thickly. This will come in handy when it comes time to spread out the yarn to cover the corners. If you wrap too thinly, you'll still be able to see some of the cardboard. I failed to do this but know for next time.
Then, you'll wrap each section horizontally, getting as close to the edges as you can without the yarn popping off. Once you finish, tie off on the back of the letter. It doesn't really matter if you can see the knots, no one will see the back.
Now that your letter is wrapped, you want to cover the corners. Simply spread out the vertical yarn to cover the edges. This is why you want that first vertical layer to be fairly thick. The horizontal layers covering the vertical layers prevents the vertical layers from popping off as you spread them out.
And lastly, adding the pretty final touches will be your final step. You can add pretty much anything you want. In this case, the 2 small ivory flowers are actually hair pins. They were extremely easy to add as I simply slid them under the yarn which secured them tightly.
And ta-da! You could place it on a bookshelf or hang it on the wall. Here you are sweet Ilona! A simple addition for your nursery made with love by your Auntie Ashley.
