The chair

When registering for baby items, a glider was an item that everyone seemed to say was a "must-have."  That's great and all but have you seen the prices for a "nice" glider?  They are ridiculously expensive.  RIDICULOUSLY expensive.  I admit, I put an over-priced glider on our registry.  I honestly didn't think we'd receive it.  
I was right.  
We didn't.  

I did want to find a chair since I knew I'd be in her nursery often to nurse her.  We found a cheap glider at Wal-Mart.  It looks really nice.  But it's not so comfortable.  And it squeaks.  

The other night, I was getting Selah ready for bed.  I changed her diaper.  I put on her jammies.  She was wide awake and quite expressive.  I remembering thinking she is clearly not ready to go to sleep.  So I sat in the chair with her to just be with her.  Those 10 minutes I sat with her were special.  She looked at me with her big blue eyes... and she continued to look at me.  We locked eyes and in those moments, the recent memories of her birth flooded my mind.

Emotions of the immense love I felt for my child began to well up in my heart.  I thought back to the sensation of my water breaking.  I thought back to the numbness I felt in my legs from the epidural.  I thought back to seeing her body emerge from mine.  I thought back to my first attempts to nurse her.  I thought back to lying in the dark hospital room with her next to me, breathing her in.  

How fast it goes.

As we continued to look into each other's eyes, I began thinking of all that has happened in that chair in just the short amount of time she has been with us.

Day time, night time, and anytime feedings
Rocking her to sleep
Singing to her
Watching her learn how to smile
Reading to her
Attempting to soothe her cries
Patting her back to get out a big ol' burp
Caring for her.
Praying for her.
Loving her.

The chair may have been cheap.  It may squeak annoyingly.  It may be uncomfortable to sit in.  But the sweet moments I've had with my daughter in that chair, even in the short 5 weeks she has been with us, are sweet memories I'm storing up in my heart.  

As she gets older, I know the moments will be farther and fewer between that she will want to crawl into my lap to be held, rocked or read to.  I can only hope for moments like that as she gets older.  But for now, I can hold and rock my baby in that chair.   And I am savoring every moment.  

Caleb and I love Sleeping at Last. He's definitely an under-appreciated artist. His music and lyrics are beautifully written.  His newest song brought me to tears as I happened to be nursing Selah as I listened to it.  I'm sure that parents and future parents alike will appreciate the lyrics.  Have a listen.

Selah’s Birth Story part 3

“Dad, you take that leg.  Mom, you take that leg.”  It was so informal.  They didn’t have them sanitize themselves.  They didn’t put on scrubs.  Caleb and my mom were there, in the moment, in their regular clothes, each holding a leg for me to brace myself against as I started the journey of pushing my daughter out.

About 1:30am, I began pushing.  All my worries and concerns about pushing quickly evaporated.  I listened to the nurse.  I followed her guidance.  I listened to Caleb, my mom and the nurse cheer me on and with each affirmation and encouraging word, I found the strength to push with all my might.  

The pressure I was feeling were contractions.  But instead of pain, it was merely the strongest pressure I have ever felt in my life.  To keep it PG but explain what I mean further, imagine the sensation of needing to relieve yourself of the biggest bowel movement of your life.  Every couple minutes, that sensation would arise again and that was my cue to push.

In between contractions, the labor nurse started chatting about her kids, her life, etc.  It was humorous really.  There I am, spread eagle, Caleb and my mom holding my legs while I try to catch my breath before the next contraction and nurse Katie is telling us about her kids.  I have no idea what she said.  Quite frankly, I didn’t care.  I was in my own zone.

After 45 minutes of pushing, the doctor came in.  This meant I was nearing the end.  So close!  With every push, I shut my eyes so tight… somehow that made me feel like I could push harder.  “See her head?  See it?!”  I opened my eyes and saw the top of my daughter’s head starting to protrude, making its way into our world.  

I reached down and touched the top of her head.  Weird.  Surreal.  This was the first time I was physically able to touch my daughter and the majority of her was still inside of me!

“One more big push… come on Ashley… you can do it.  Ready, go!”  

I pushed with all my might.  Her entire head emerged.  Oh. My. Gosh.  The rest of her body quickly followed suit.  Once her head was out, the rest of her literally slipped right out.  

An immediate sense of physical relief.  An immediate cry left the lungs of my daughter.  An immediate skin-to-skin contact took place between me and my daughter.  They placed her on my chest.  I wept.

She is here.  She is actually here.  Our daughter… Our child… Selah Grace.
Born May 15, 2:26 am. 6 lbs 10 oz. 19 inches

A lot was happening around me.  But none of it fazed me.  I was captivated by my daughter.  She stopped crying as she lay on my chest.  We lied there, breathing in each other, soaking in the miracle that had just occurred.  It is hard to put this moment into words.  But it is a moment I will never forget as it is imprinted on my heart.

Caleb and my mom were right there the entire time.  They were my support team and did a fantastic job.  I could not have done this without them.  They were both able to witness this baby girl inch her way into this world.  Amazing.

They took her over to the incubator to begin the APGAR test and to weigh her.  As I rested, I looked over and watched as Caleb bonded for the first time with his daughter.  It brought tears to my eyes.  I watched him as he offered Selah his finger.  She grabbed on, so tightly.  I watched as Caleb gazed into his daughter’s eyes, not for one minute taking his eyes off her.  I watched as he spoke gently and softly to her as she whimpered from the cold air.

I loved him before.  But I have experienced a new level of love for my husband after experiencing the birth of our daughter, together.  I don’t know how else to explain it other than I love him even more deeply than before, which I didn’t think was possible.

I will say this.  Honest as honest gets.  I wish we could go back to the AT&T store and start the exciting events of that night all over again so I could re-live my labor and delivery.  I enjoyed the entire process and wish I could do it again.  Since this experience cannot be exactly duplicated, I am left with the vivid memories of that night.  I replay them often in my mind. 

7 hours of labor.  1 hour of pushing.  It went smashingly well (from what I hear… I have nothing to compare it to!).  It was the fastest 7 hours of my life.  

Eventually, my dad and in-laws joined us.  Caleb introduced them to Selah and I saw the love in each of their eyes as they held and loved on their brand new granddaughter… a very sweet moment for me.

I loved carrying, laboring and delivering Selah.  I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.

Selah's Birth Story part 2

We checked into the hospital.  A mild contraction started.  Stay calm Ash.  I was shaking slightly from my nerves as we filled out paperwork.   Which, by the way, is rather  annoying.  Of course we pre-registered but there are still some papers that need to be signed at the time you check-in.  Yea… annoying!  Hello!?  My water just broke!  I’m having contractions.  You know… baby coming through!  Forget the paperwork!  

They brought in nurses to check to see if my water had indeed broken.  Hahahahahaha  I know this is standard procedure because some women may think their water broke when it did not.  There was no question.  There was no doubt in my mind.  But go ahead and do your little check.

They brought the doc in to check my cervix for dilation.  4 centimeters.  4!?  Just a few days ago at my doctor appointment I was only 40% effaced, no dilation yet.  Now, I’m no doctor but this seemed to be progressing quickly.    

The doctor said if I planned to get an epidural, now would be the time to do so.  I had planned to wait as long as possible before getting the epidural.  But in this case, I felt like listening to the doctor.  She didn’t have to tell me twice.  Send for the anesthesiologist!  Make haste good sir!  I experienced contractions for probably 30 minutes or so.  They were manageable but still painful.  

The anesthesiologist came in and we became instant friends.  They had Caleb sit on a stool in front of me.  The nurse said they lose the most dads this way… when they accidentally watch the epidural being injected.  He sat in front of me as I clung to him not knowing what to expect as I had heard horror stories about the pains of receiving an epidural.  I’m pretty sure I have a low tolerance for pain.  But receiving the epidural was surprisingly a piece of cake.  

The epidural set in quickly.  It wasn’t what I had imagined.  I was still able to move my legs but they were very heavy and tingly.  Adjusting myself in bed was like climbing a mountain of jello since I couldn’t even rely on my upper body strength to pull myself up.  Then something happened.

Two nurses quickly entered my room. They remained calm but their brisk walk had a serious urgency to it.  Something was wrong.  They went straight to the monitors and told me they needed me to lie on my side.  The epidural was causing baby girl’s heartbeat to drop.  What???  Wait… that sound…. “Is that her heartbeat?!” I asked the nurse in a concerned tone.  When she said yes, I began to cry.  The heartbeat was slow.  Incredibly slow.  They turned me on my side and put an oxygen mask on me.  I caught Caleb’s eyes as mine filled with tears.  Please pray, I asked him.  

Her heartbeat rose.  Thank you Lord.  Unfortunately, it is quite common for the heartbeat to drop suddenly after receiving an epidural.  

The nurses told me to get as much rest as I could.  Now that I had the epidural, rest was going to be much easier now that I didn’t have to breathe through contractions every 4 minutes. 

Around 11pm, they checked me again to see the progress of dilation.  7 centimeters!  Yowza!  Is it just me or is this still progressing quickly?  My parents were 25 minutes away.  Thankfully, they made it with plenty of time to spare.

To add on to the move-like story of our daughter’s birth, my parents got pulled over on the way up.  Classic.  My mom burst into tears.  My dad remained calm and explained where they are headed.  Thankfully, the cop was understanding and sent them on their way.  Phew.  Ok… onward!

I tried to rest.  But to be honest, I was anxious.  I knew it was a short matter of time before I’d start pushing.  I don’t recall the time exactly but my guess is around 1am, I began feeling an immense amount of pressure where I felt the strong urge to push.  The nurse told me to hold off if I could.  She said my body was naturally moving the baby down and if I could resist the urge to push, it would save me 3 hours of pushing.  Instead, she told me to bare down.  What the heck does that even mean?  You hear this phrase all the time when learning about labor.  But I never knew how to do it.  I tried.  I think I did it…?  

In the meantime, leading up to this point, I felt very nervous about pushing.  I knew I wasn’t going to feel pain.  That’s not what I was worried about.  How on earth could I push effectively when I can’t feel anything from this epidural?!  I have no previous frame of reference.  I have no idea what this feels like.  The unknown is what scared me and worried me.  Will I be able to push her out safely?  Will she get stuck because I can’t push right?  Lord, help me.

All of a sudden, I felt ill.  Grab a bucket.  This girl is about to hurl.   The nurse said “That’s good!”   Hmm… odd thing to say to a woman in labor who feels miserable.   Turns out vomiting can actually help in this stage of labor as it causes the ab muscles to tighten.  You may recall in part 1, I shared what we had for dinner.  If you don’t recall, let me refresh your memory…. hotdogs.  Yea… bad idea.   Vomiting is already an unpleasant yet necessary evil but vomiting up hotdogs.....  Gross.

The labor nurse checked my dilation.  10 centimeters!  I have the freedom to start pushing. Really?  Now?  I can start now?  Holy cow.  This is it.  I am that much closer to meeting my daughter.  

Here we go.