My role

It's 7:03pm and I just got my daughter down for the night.  My husband is traveling; the house is quiet... it's dark... it's just me.  I feel the weight of the long day pressing in.  Ok... now what?  The living room floor is littered with Selah's toys and books.  A laundry basket of clean clothes need to be put away in their rightful places.  There are crumbs on the floor surrounding her highchair.  One of the showers is due... ok... overdue for a thorough cleaning.  I need to review my Bible study and prepare to facilitate the discussion.  I haven't slept well... maybe due to the pregnancy, but either way, a good 30 minute pre-natal yoga session would sure be nice.

My mind is overwhelmed with the never-ending to-list my home faces.  Yet my body tells me, "Sit."

I have found that being a stay-at-home mom has not turned out to be what I envisioned.  Or at least... much harder than I thought.  What doesn't help is seeing other moms appear to have it all together.  Maybe it seems they do.  Maybe they actually do.  Either way, for me, that's a real doozy.  It really makes the failure aspect seem more dramatic.  Does anyone else resonate? 

It is no secret that I'm not the tidiest person on the planet.  I'm definitely not a clean freak.  My home gets neglected as I have found it's next to impossible to keep up on it.  As I look around my less than tidy and clean home, I find myself thinking, "Wow, I am really failing at being a stay-at-home mom.  I want to have things picked up, cleaned, dinner ready, candles burning, all that surely will make for a happy home."

And I'm sure that all of that does help to have a happier home.  I know I ALWAYS feel better when the pile of dishes are finally done or I take 1 minute to make the bed.

But I started to think... what role do I really have in making my home a pleasant place for my children and husband?  Is it just being a homemaker or is that and then some?
I began poking around the well-known verses of Proverbs 31 and began to ask myself if I was doing any of the things the verse speaks of.  

Verse 27 says "She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness."
To me, that verse speaks to the role I have to keep my home maintained in regards to cleanliness and tidiness.  To be honest, I don't know how moms can accomplish this daily when taking care of a baby, chasing a toddler around, or working full-time and then coming home to take care of your child and husband.  I really struggle with how this can be accomplished without taking the last 2% of your energy.  And I even have a cleaning calendar!  It doesn't work.

However, besides verse 27, there are 21 more verses that speak on the characteristics of a woman who fears the Lord.  And they are not all about keeping your house clean.

The responsibilities and characteristics listed are pretty clear.  And actually, I'm quite thankful they are listed there plain as day.
Does my husband's heart trust me?
Do I seek to do my husband only good and not harm?
Do I work with willing hands?
Do I provide healthy meals for my family?
Do I have a healthy self-image of myself in who my identity is in Jesus Christ?
Do I serve and give freely to those less fortunate or in need?
Do I have a joyful disposition?
Am I teaching my children to be kind through my own examples?
Am I respected by my children and praised by my husband?
Do I have a healthy fear and respect for the God of the universe?

I have labeled myself a failure of a mom and wife by only viewing my role through the lens of how my home looks.  A complete and utter mess.

I know myself well enough to know I won't ever be able to complete all 22 verses of Psalm 31 in one day.  But they are clear characteristics I can aim for and pray about when I'm struggling in an area.  If on Monday, all I manage to accomplish is feeding my child and husband healthy meals and singing and dancing around the living room to worship music with Selah, and that alone gives me joy, then that's a win for the day and I think God would be pleased with that.
If on Tuesday, all I can manage is to spend nap time reading God's word and do something that speaks to my husband's love language of Acts of Service, then that's a win for the day and I believe God would be pleased.

The other side to this is that seeking to live in a Proverbs 31 manner is 1) words to live by from God himself and 2) living in this manner is what my children will see.  I want nothing more than for my children to love God with their whole hearts, to be loving and respectful spouses and to live joyful, God-filled lives.  So herein lies an even bigger responsibility that goes beyond just myself.

There are always areas that will come a little easier or more natural when it comes to roles as a wife and mother.  But the areas that I struggle with, instead of considering that area a lost cause and I'll always fail in that particular area(s), those are the areas to be praying over.  I need to ask that God would instill within me the energy needed to accomplish it, that I could view those "failures" with grace and try again tomorrow, and that God would fill me with a desire to run my home in a manner that is pleasing to Him.

Just to be clear, the next time you come to our home, don't expect it to be cleaned thoroughly.  A person can better themselves but I don't think I'll ever change into a clean, neat freak :-)