My baby turned 1

Selah Grace has turned 1 year old.  My how time does fly.   I have told Caleb countless times how the first weeks with our newborn feels like last month.  The sweet memories from the night of her birth and the first months with her are still very fresh in my mind.

I had such strong emotions that surrounded her first birthday (May 15).  It's exciting because it's quite unbelievable to witness how much growth and development she has experienced in just 12 short months.  It's such a delight to watch her learn new things.  But there's a part of my heart that still hangs on to those newborn days where she sweetly slept, often times in my arms, and I could just stare at her, taking in her newness.

The days where she would learn to sit up, crawl and take her first steps felt like ages away.  How could this tiny little peanut ever get to that point?!  Well... I blinked and she reached all the points.   Now that she can do all those things, it's hard to imagine her as a newborn.

The past 12 months have been full of challenges, struggles, sleepless nights, crying, laughter, joys, delights, sweet memories, and growth for both Caleb and me.

There were many times I thought I had reached my breaking point.
There were many times I thought she would never stop crying and go to sleep.
There were many times I thought she would never figure out how to nurse.
There were many times I laughed so hard at how funny and silly she was being.
There were many times I felt my heart would burst from the immense love I felt for my daughter.
There were many times I have snuck into her room just to feel warm fuzzies from watching her sleep.

She is our beautiful gift.  We have reached the point where we don't remember what life was like before she existed.  It is our hope and prayer that Selah Grace grows to love Jesus and to follow and serve Him with her whole heart.

Happy first birthday baby girl.  You are loved more than you know.  And now let's go down memory lane and look at photos of Selah Grace over the past year.

1 month old to 12 months old

Fake community

I joined a small group back in August.  It consists of 10 women.  Let me say this: I love these women dearly. They are God fearing women who desire to truly deepen their relationship with God while cultivating genuine relationships with each other.  Sounds simple enough, right?  ... Not quite.

When we first met together, we each communicated to the group that we wanted true community with each other.  Most of us had been in a small group before where perhaps some people in the group wanted realness but it always resulted in the same thing: surfacey Bible studies week after week with no accountability and no community outside of our weekly meeting.  

To be blunt (and in my opinion): groups like this are a waste of time as it produces no real growth in any one area.  We all have busy lives and it's to the point where we have to make our time count.  I don't know if you've experienced this but for me, I'm tired of wasting what precious hours I have (alone!) on a "bible study" that is so surfacey I leave thinking "That was ridiculous - I learned nothing and don't know anyone any better.  Where's the depth?!"

Groups like this are pseudocommunity or in otherwards, fake.  And I'm a guilty patron of this type of "community".  (This is where I sheepishly raise my hand half-way in the air and scrunch my face as if to say, "Uh-oh... that's me... guilty.")

Along with our Bible study, we are reading a book called Everybody's Normal Till You Get to Know Them by John Ortberg.  The definition of pseudocommunity blew my mind as it hit way too close to home:

"Its hallmark is the avoidance of conflict.  In pseudocommunity we keep things safe; we speak in generalities, we say things that those around us will agree with.  We tell little white lies to make sure no one's feelings get hurt, no one gets tense.  We keep relationships pleasant and well-oiled. Conversations are carefully filtered to make sure no one gets offended; if we feel hurt or irritated, we are careful to hide it.  Pseudocommunity is agreeable and polite and gentle and stagnant - and ultimately fatal."

Yikes.  

And this couldn't be more true.  I have felt this SO many times.  And not just in previous Bible studies, but my life in general.

While I greatly, deeply, desperately want true, genuine community, it's not that easy.  If it were easy, I would not have resonated with the description of pseudocommunity.... my life at times!

Being genuine, being open, being honest, involves a great deal of vulnerability.  To be honest, it's downright scary to speak up and share how you really feel. These thoughts begin to creep in:

"What if I'm the only one that thinks this?"  

"What if they all disagree with me?"

"If I share this, will they think I'm a horrible Christian?"

"I'm never able to articulate my thoughts well enough, so I'll just keep them to myself."

Think back to old cartoons... this is the part where the red warning light goes off and a loud robotic voice comes over the speaker shouting "Danger! Danger Danger!"

Wow.  Satan has an annoying knack for wriggling into any crevice of my heart to plant his lies which seeps into my soul.  Not only it is annoying but it is dangerous.

In order to grow that community, in order to make it true, life giving, and genuine, you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable.  You have to allow yourself to speak up if you disagree (but in love).  You have to be willing to speak the truth in love to a fellow believer (accountability) and you have to learn to accept being rebuked.  I'm not saying this is easy.  In fact, it's quite uncomfortable.  I am still learning how to practice genuine community.  

The other thing I want to mention is that I fully believe that this type of community I (along with my small group) so greatly desire involves a heavy dose of getting to know how each person operates (like the DISC test or Myers-Briggs assessment).  Navigating a Bible study with 10 women is sure to be full of highs and lows.  It takes a great deal of time to truly get to know someone and to also build each other's trust.  And truly knowing them (how they operate) is not something that happens overnight.  But learning it will help immensely in this journey of finding and practicing genuine community.

This is just a small peek into what's been on my heart lately as I contemplate what genuine community is and what pseudo (fake) community is and I have come to realize my life has been full of pseudocommunity moments.  But it's not what I desire.  

Honestly, I get annoyed when people over-spiritualize things and that's certainly not what I'm trying to do here, but I truly believe that this group of women is ordained by God and some great things will come of it as time passes.

It's time to strap on my big girl boots and get in the mud with these 9  women cause life is dirty and messy but living it together honestly and genuinely, reminds me I am not alone; I can rely on these women and that's a beautiful thing.

Consistently inconsistent

I know it's an odd thing to mull over... consistently inconsistent.  By their very definitions, these two words are antonyms.  Yet these two words accurately describe my life in this season of raising a baby.

A couple of weeks ago, I sat down during Selah's afternoon nap and began writing about how it took 8 long months to finally get her on a schedule.  The schedule was beautiful.  Eating, playing, sleeping, the whole day was set up just right.  It was b-e-a-utiful.  Finally!  
I kid you not, it took 8 months to get to that point.  And for a mommy who enjoys... strike that... typically needs an expected schedule in her life, it was more annoying than anything to not have that. Although, believe me... I tried.  Funnily enough, that post I started writing about her wonderful schedule was quickly deleted because the day after I began writing, she abandoned her schedule.  Isn't ironic... dontcha think?

Boy did it drive me crazy that I couldn't figure out my daughter and help guide her into a schedule.  Mainly the biggest issue has been with naps.  For the life of me, I have not been able to get my daughter to nap well.  My poor husband can vouch for this; he is always the one on the other end of my text messages that say "it's not going well... again."

You want to know what I mean by consistently inconsistent?  It'd take up too much space to write about all the different ways Selah has napped since she has been born.  Let's just say she has accepted and rejected all sorts of napping scenarios and changes it up about every month.

That is what I mean by consistently inconsistent.  I can always count on my daughter to throw us a new type of curve ball just about every month.  It's exhausting and frustrating.  And yes, I know this goes for most babies. Once we figure "it" out, they decide it's time to change it up again. Gotta keep mom and dad on our toes.

So far in our very short parenthood journey, it's proven true that the joyful times have greatly outweighed the challenging and stressful times.  We often look through the hundreds, if not thousands of pictures and videos of her, loving all the warm fuzzies that come with it.  Caleb and I will be reminiscing and one of will say, "Remember when she went through (blank) and how tough that was?!"  And the other responds with "Ohh yea... wow... yea that was tough... but I kinda forgot about it."
That's true.

There are times I have forgotten what it was like to struggle with breastfeeding (hands down the hardest thing I've faced in my life).
There are times I have forgotten what it was like to fear running errands because the second I would get stopped by a red light, she would cry.  
There are times I have forgotten what it was like to spend 40 minutes getting her back to sleep at night, creep out of her silent room and the second I crawl into bed, her cries pierce through the monitor.

While at times we have forgotten the challenges, in the moments they happened, I promise you, they were our Mount Everest.  
This woman wrote an awesome post that really spoke to me.  She writes about the 3 most important words a parent needs to hear: "You'll get there."  
Basically it's all about the challenges you face as a parent but to tell yourself, this will eventually pass, it won't last forever, you'll get there.
I don't know this woman but she wrote what I had been feeling; it was freeing to know someone else "gets" it and furthermore, supported how I have been feeling.  
I'll be honest, in the tough moments of parenthood it's hard to be honest with people how you're feeling because it's inevitable people give you this particular piece of unsolicited advice, "Enjoy these moments, it goes by too fast."  I know they mean well.  But whether they know it or not, it diminishes the trial I'm facing.  

Trust me, I know to savor the moments with my daughter.  One day, too soon I'm sure, she will be grown and gone.  But when we're having a bad day, it doesn't mean that I should hold in my feelings of discouragement, exhaustion, frustration, impatience, etc.  Those are very real emotions that any parent will experience.

I do not want to forget all the struggles I've faced as a parent because I want to be able to listen to and console a new mommy as she cries over the hardship of nursing.  I want to be able to show I care for and understand the hardships of having a child that does not sleep well.  I want to show empathy to these mommys and let them know, you're not alone. Yes, it will pass.  But in the moment it happens, it's ok to be frustrated.  It's ok to even be angry.  In the moment, this is the Mount Everest you're facing and who are we to diminish someone else's trial by brushing past their hardship and smacking them in the face with a "much needed dose of optimism and perspective."

I am slowly accepting the notion that my kid is going to continue throwing us curve balls.  I hope that someday soon her consistent inconsistencies will even out but in the mean time, I suppose I should take it one day at a time, attempt to remember the challenges, be a listening ear to another struggling mommy and that's what I can be consistent in.

Mobile baby

We have a mobile baby, folks.  And boy does she keep me busy.  But she sure is the cutest.

Selah learned to crawl about 2 weeks ago, roughly at 8.5 months old.  She started crawling right after Caleb left for work.  She continued to learn the rest of the morning; she was super cautious and very slow.  Later that afternoon, she refused to crawl.  
Hmm.  Odd.  
I assumed that when a baby learned to crawl, they'd be off...gone in a flash... see ya mom!  I've got staircases to explore, dangerous objects to pull over and all sorts of unknown crumb like specs to put in my mouth. 
Not quite the case with my daughter.  I even tried moving all her toys away from her to try and entice her to continue practicing.  She simply looked all around her to see if anything, anything else was within reach for her to grab.  Sadly, there was nothing within reach.  So the little squirt began playing peek-a-boo with her clothes.  Silly girl.  When life gives her lemons, she already knows how to make lemonade.

But the next day, she continued crawling and since then, hasn't looked back.  And now we're back to exploring and ultimately finding dangerous objects to pull over.  It's no wonder one of baby's first words is "no."  I'm constantly telling Selah, "No no Selah."  "No, we cannot play with the cords."  "No no, we do not touch the fireplace."  Poor girl.  I want her to be able to explore.  There's just one too many things in our home that are off-limits because their potentially dangerous.  Sometimes I think she looks at me like, "Can I play with this mom?  Or is this a no-no too?"  Even when it's a no-no, she still goes for it.  It's like she knows she can't have it but wants it anyway.  I have to remember, my precious, sweet baby girl was born a little sinner.  Ohhh what a responsibility we have as her parents to teach her!  Yikes!

Selah turned 9 months old this past weekend.  I've done a pitiful job at keeping you updated on her monthly growth and developments.  So, I'll lump it all in one post.  The last time I posted she was 5 months old!  Oops!

- She weighs a whopping 17 lbs 7 oz.  
- She's tried lots of different foods.  Banana, avocado, blueberries, mango, papaya, peaches, pears, apples, butternut squash, sweet potato, peas, broccoli, carrot, cauliflower, chicken.  I still really enjoy making her food.  We are trying to transition to finger foods.  She gags easily, so it'll be a slow process.
- She can crawl.
- She can pull herself up.
- She's learning how to get back down, which sometimes she forgets how to do so.
- We sleep trained for the second time and within a week, we could lay her down awake and she'd put herself to sleep.  YAY!
- However, the crawling milestone combined with separation anxiety, has led to a sudden abandonment of putting herself down for naps.  At least I got a few weeks out of her putting herself down.
- She has good weeks of sleeping through the night and bad weeks where she'll wake and be up for 1-2 hours in the middle of the night, and at times, it seems impossible to get her back down.  Those are very difficult and trying nights.
- She loves to see her daddy when he comes home from work. 
- She claps and waves.
- She learned to drink from a straw.
- She can place rings on its holder and put shapes into the shape sorter.
- She likes turning pages in her books.
- She is having an aversion to diaper changes.
- She says da-da A LOT but we still don't think she knows what it means.
- She loves kicking the soccer ball.
- She loves walking around the house with our assistance.
- Her hair still sticks straight up.
- She loves pulling things out.  Not for the purpose of playing but for the sole purpose of just pulling things outs.  All the blankets and burp cloths in the bin, pulled out. All the diapers in the bin, pulled out.  All the toys, pulled out.  All her dirty clothes in the laundry basket, pulled out.  Everything sitting in her car seat like hats, mittens, coat, blanket, boots, pulled out.  It's constant.  And it's a lot to pick up.  We'll have to teach her the Clean Up song sooner rather than later.

Boy are we smitten with this little girl.  I get super emotional thinking that her 1st birthday is just around the corner.  How do we have a 9 month old already?  In just 3 short months, we'll be celebrating her 1st birthday.  *Sigh*  In the meantime, as tiring as it is, I'm enjoying chasing my little peanut around, playing with her, watching her explore and learn.  And there are times I stop throughout the week and just stare at her and think, Wow... what a gift.  I can't believe how much I love this little tiny person.  I can't imagine my life without her.

Happy 9 months Selah Grace.

 Loves pulling everything out.

Again with the diapers.  Every day.

Reading in a mess :-)

Brush those teeth from Ashley Redelman on Vimeo.



Learning to crawl from Ashley Redelman on Vimeo.

A baby in a pink bloomer

I've toned down by annoyance for Valentine's Day over the years.  As of recent, it's the fact that I have a daughter that makes it more cute than anything.  I can totally get on board with making fun Valentine crafts and treats which we'll probably begin doing next year when she's older.

Don't worry, you can keep reading.  I will refrain from stepping on my soap box about my true feelings regarding Valentine's Day.  This post is dedicated to the cutie baby that has stolen my heart.  

My aunt got Selah a cute pink bloomer that's like a baby tutu.  The thought occurred to me months ago to use the tutu bloomer for her very first Valentine's Day photo shoot.  I'm glad I remembered because she sure looked adorable!  She misses her daddy while he's at work and of course, he misses her every minute he is gone.  I thought it'd be nice to send him a little love from his baby girl valentine.

It's hard to have a photo shoot with a mobile 9 month old.

So I bring out the big guns to keep her sitting still.  My phone :)

Happy Valentine's Day
xoxo, Selah Grace

300,000

This Sunday millions will gather to cheer on one of two teams, the Seattle Seahawks or the Denver Broncos.  Millions will snack on chips, salsa, dips, pizza and beer.  Millions will stay glued to their TV to watch the infamous Superbowl commercials.  Millions will enjoy the company of their friends during this annual tradition.

But something bigger will be happening during the game.  Something horrible.  Disturbing. Perverted.  Something straight from the devil.

Superbowl Sunday, while full of fun, cheers, and team pride, has also become a day where the most underage children are being sold into sex trafficking within the US.

While statistics may vary, this documentary states 300,000 girls and boys are sold into sex trafficking each year, in the US alone.  The average age girl is 12-14 and average boy is 9-11 years old.  And another heartbreaking statistic, 25% of these children are sold into sex trafficking by a family member or guardian.

While this documentary is very difficult to watch, it opened my eyes to this issue that I had assumed was happening primarily in 3rd world countries.  I had no idea it was so prevalent right here under our noses, "in our own backyards."

It will break your heart to watch this video however, the end of it is just.... phew... let's just say the woman is saying what she's saying and feeling the way she's feeling because of the overwhelming love of Jesus Christ.

I think it's perfectly fine to watch, cheer on and enjoy the Superbowl.  Heck... we are hosting a party for it!  But what we must remember is that Satan is at work.  He is constantly working to tear this world apart, twist the truth, blind people from reality, and consume as many people as he can with perverted sins such as indulging in child prostitution.  He will use anything, even a football game, to distract us from the truth of the underground sin of sex trafficking.

All I'm asking is that you please watch this video so you can be aware of what will take place this weekend due to the massive influx of people that will infiltrate New York in addition to what is already happening every day of the year.

May your hearts be stirred.  May your hearts be broken.  May you spread the word to raise awareness so we can pray for these children to be saved and for those involved in this sick industry, to fall on their knees before God and seek forgiveness.

The happy jar

I found this idea on Pinterest, where else?  And I am super excited to implement this in our home and hopefully make it a yearly tradition.  I've seen it called a Gratitude Jar but I like to call it the Happy Jar because the idea can involve more than thankful/grateful moments.

The idea is that starting January 1st, you begin writing down little nuggets of happy things that you experience on any given day.  You put these happy notes in a jar for an entire year and then read through them on December 31 so you can remember all the wonderful moments that happened that year.  It can be anything that brings a little smile to your face, big or teeny tiny.  It could be anything! 
For instance, something I'm going to add to our jar is that on January 2, our neighbor snow-blowed and shoveled our driveway for us (a blessing!).  We have rock star neighbors; this is not the first time this has happened nor is this the first neighbor to serve us in this manner.  This will be going in the happy jar!  Something I definitely want to remember!

As a stay-at-home mom who doesn't get out much, I find it easy to get in a slump or complain about stupid things like Selah only napping for 30 minutes or how I spent the majority of my day wiping her snotty nose.  Instead, this "happy jar" idea encourages me (and my growing family) to be thinking through their day and writing down something that made them smile or made them happy.  

I L.O.V.E. the idea of reading through them at the end of the year.  I guarantee that the happy moments we read through, we will have easily forgotten about and it will be such a blessing to read them and think "Oh yea!  I remember that!  That was so awesome when ___ happened!" God places even the littlest of things in our lives to serve as reminders of His love for us and the joy we can find every day if we so choose.

Here's to a happy and memorable 2014.

I'll be home for Christmas

This year Christmas was... well... different.  Not in a bad way. Quite the opposite actually.  This was our first Christmas with a baby!  That means a few things.  It means celebrating Christmas with my side of the family didn't actually fall on Christmas Day like it usually has.  It means meals were more informal, eat as you can, everyone take turns holding the babies.  It means interrupted gift opening because it's nap time for the babies.  It means TONS of pictures, well... because... you get it.. babies!    

For 27 years, Christmas Day was spent opening gifts and spending time at my parents house during the morning.  Then for lunch, we'd meander down the road to grammy and papa's for lunch and presents.  And the evening was spent at the farm with more eating and more present opening.

But there comes a time when traditions must change.  Families grow.  People move away. Transitions become necessary.  
This year, my dad suggested celebrating the weekend after Christmas.  Since Caleb worked the day after Christmas, it would have been too much to travel with a 7 month old for a quick 24 hour trip. We'd all much rather take it a bit slower and extend the festivities if at all possible. Thus the weekend idea was born.

Even though I love this idea, that means one thing.  Christmas Day is left being... different. Remember, I've done the same thing for 27 years.

This year, we were excited to have Christmas morning with our new little family of 3.  I quickly and messily wrapped Selah's presents Christmas morning (all of which she used before I wrapped them).  Hey... when they grow as fast as they do, you want them to wear things as soon and much as possible before they don't fit anymore!  Of course we busted out our trusty video camera to capture her first Christmas.  I would say she did pretty well opening her gifts. Here are some shots of a little photo shoot we did with her Christmas morning pre-present opening.

We spend all of Christmas Eve with Caleb's parents.  This year was special for more reasons than one.  Jason and Sarah have been in Honduras for the past 2 Christmases; this year we were all reunited and this time, there were 2 new additions!  Aren't they just too cute?

      

We took off for Canton Friday morning; thankfully Selah has mastered the car seat and 99% of the time does extremely well in the car.  She played quietly by herself and drifted off to sleep.  Ahh bliss.  The ride home on the other hand was the 1% of trips that are downright miserable.  But anyway, Christmas with my family was full of laughs.  I love it when we're together, play fun games and just laugh.  It's refreshing.  I'm not very good at capturing the moments with my camera so unfortunately, I don't have any pics of the weekend other than the ones I swiped from my mom's Facebook account :-)

We had our traditional Christmas Eve "picnic" which has moved to the dining room table because we're all getting too old and sitting on the floor just plain ol' hurts now.  I wish I had a picture of the table before we messed it all up.  It was gorgeous!  And my parents... TOO CUTE.  They had a menu all planned out with 4 courses and here's the cherry on top... they served us!  It was such a nice gesture and true picture of serving others.

4 generations

Mmm dessert

A nostalgic gift from my brother

And another adorable thing... my dad (Selah's Popi) made her a little cardboard house to play in.  If she could crawl, and boy does she want to SO badly, she would have had a blast crawling through it.  In the meantime, we just placed her inside :-)

While my usual Christmas Day traditions made a few transitions this year,  I was still able to say "I'll be home for Christmas" as I spent Christmas in my home with the 2 loves of my life.  And even though my family celebrated Christmas 2 days after the actual holiday, it was still spent in the home I grew up in with family whom I dearly love.  Turns out, it doesn't have to be on the actual day in order for it to be familiar or "just like you remembered it".  Just as long as you're all together creating memories, you can still be home for Christmas in more ways than one.

Selah's first snow & a trip to see Santa

This past Saturday we woke up to a beautiful snow fall.  It was so picturesque; the house was dark from a cloudy early morning, the lights on the tree were the only lights on in the house, the snow was falling, and our little family of 3 played together.  Ahhh bliss.

Selah's grandparents found this really nice snowsuit at a garage sale that looked brand new and even though it said 0-3 months, it somehow still fit her. Our baby girl turned 7 months this weekend!  I've learned that baby clothes sizes are bizarre and do not make any sense.

She was ADORABLE.  We bundled up and took her out in the snow and funnily enough, she reacted the same way she did when we introduced her to the pool this summer: dazed and still.

We went with the Keiths and Hoekstras to visit Santa.  Seeing Santa took all of 4 minutes.  One, it was frigid out. And two, the babies either were confused or scared to death.  Surpsingly, Selah did quite well!