Facebook was my anchor, and not the good kind.

Ashley's Facbook account
2005-2012
Facebook was being checked more than 10 times a day out of pure habit.  Facebook had evoked emotion and a side of me I didn't care for.  Facebook had become an idol and a source of feeding my inner jealousy and pride.

My decision to delete my Facebook account is not temporary.  It is permanent.  And I feel great about that decision.  This decision was made because of personal convictions.  Allow me to expound.  This is not to make you feel guilty.  This is me spilling my ugly sin.  If I happen to encourage someone to examine their own heart, then praise God!

Allow me to be candid, this is not to offend; this is my perspective and my story.
I believe, the world we live in craves the need for affirmation and self-worth.  But most of the time, we are feeding that need through all the wrong sources.  That is what Facebook became for me.

Whether it's done subconsciously or purposely, why do you think people post pictures, statuses, updates?  Perhaps a part of it is to keep the family and close friends updated.  But I believe it's deeper rooted.
Again, whether it's done subconsciously or with purpose,  I believe people desire to have others want what they have.
Why?  It makes you feel so good when people comment on your beautiful wedding, on the amazing and expensive vacation, on your new house, etc.
People crave affirmation.  May I go so far as to say, there's maybe even a little satisfaction in knowing you make others a little jealous because of what you have.  (The comments that flood your Facebook page are a good indicator of that).

I found myself becoming jealous as I consciously scrolled through hundreds of photos.  "Man... that's what I want.  If only I had what they have, I'd be happier."  And then to make it worse, the flip side... I did find satisfaction in reading everyone's comments praising whatever "thing" I had posted.  I wanted them to be a little jealous of what I had because that told me that something I had in my life, was coveted by another.
Affirmation in all the wrong places - check
Pride - check
Jealousy - check

WHOA!  Not ok!!  I am not ok with that, not even a little, tiny bit!  It hit me like a ton of bricks one day.  I have checked Facebook almost every day from 2005-2012.  7 years of my life I have devoted to Facebook.  What has it given me in return?  A bouquet of roses.  Beautiful, bright, fun, but filled with thorns ... and they die quickly.

Sin.  It brought upon sin that needed to be squelched.  And step #1 to squelching that sin was cutting it off at the source, hence, the decision to delete my Facebook account.
So... that was a lot of junk I just spilled to you.  Am I embarrassed?  No.  Because I would be shocked if I was the only who felt this way.  Am I ashamed?  I'm ashamed I let something like Facebook be the source of feeding these growing sins, and for so long!  BUT, not ashamed enough not to say anything.

My affirmation and self-worth comes from the Lord.  And that's why I chose to delete it...  to focus on who I am in the Lord and to grow in Him.  If I didn't cut Facebook loose, the anchor tied to my feet would eventually hit rock bottom.  I was headed there.  But I cut the anchor loose and kicked with all my migh to the surface.  I'm at the surface now.  But the next step is swimming to shore.  It will be tiring and hard.  But as I pass through each wave of jealousy, each wave of pride, and with each wave of seeking my self-worth in the Lord, I'll make it one wave closer to shore where I can rest in the arms of Jesus.  What a glorious time that will be.

Don't get me wrong, I know it's ok to be affirmed and to desire affirmation, afterall, it's a love language!  There is nothing wrong with needing to hear affirmation that you're doing things well, or to appreciate it when people notice how nice you look when it took you a long time to get ready.  That's great!  It just became a problem for me when the craving became sin. 
So... I guess to keep in line with the premise of this entire post, if you would, only post comments on my blog if you agree, disagree, if the Lord lays something on your heart, or if it has spoken to you.  I DO want to know if I'm striking a chord with anyone.  I'm asking as a sinner who is trying to climb her way out of the pride and jealousy pit, please don't stroke my ego further.
P.S.
Don't be surprised if you stumble upon my other Facebook page... you'll probably be tempted to think I'm a hypocrite or liar... but please know, it's for work purposes only as it's important I have a Facebook page to connect with my students on their level.  So if you friend request me on my work page, don't be offended when I don't accept it.

Parenthood

Caleb and I had a mini-date night with homemade pizza and a movie.  We neHEver drink pop.  But last night we made an exception as we both were desiring the tingly goodness of good ol' Coke.  There's something very vintage about Coca-Cola that makes it that much more enjoyable to sip on.

As we ate our pizza and sipped on the ever sugary Coke, we popped in the movie 'Courageous'.  We've heard lots of good reviews and thought it was time to watch it.  It was really good and definitely got me thinking.

Being a parent is an incredible responsibility... a responsibility that is a gift as well as a charge to be a godly example.  It really puts Joshua 24:15 in perspective, "As for me and my household, we will serve the Lord." 

It's easy to be a good parent when your little ones obey, tell you they love you and snuggle with you.  But how do you continue to be a good parent in the moment when conflict arises, voices are raised, more time is spent outside the home than in it, laziness creeps in, etc. 

I know the movie 'Courageous' is aimed towards fatherhood but it got my wheels turning as well.  How will I be a good mother to my children?  We don't have children of our own yet but we have been working with 3 year olds at church. Not at all the same, I know.  But hear me out. 

Something I've noticed is quality time and words of affirmation are precious to these 3 year olds and they crave them desperately.  

"Teacher, will you play with me?" 

"Teacher, will you read this book?"  

"Teacher, look at my picture!"  

"Teacher, look at my dress!"

Time spent with our children is crucial.  Time spent being honest and open, time spent asking them what their opinions are, time spent doing their favorite hobby, time spent teaching them about God's truths... I am seeing that this is crucial to building a solid foundation with your children.  

What strength from the Lord it must take to accomplish this crucial responsibility of being a godly parent.  The movie just got me thinking... food for thought this morning.  I know that if and when the Lord decides to bless Caleb and I with gift of children, that we will be seeking out godly advice from people, books, etc and we'll be expecting answers :)  So be prepared :)

Tastes unhealthy, looks disgusting, pour me a glass!

This is definitely worth posting.  Thanks to the wonderful world of Pinterest, another fantastic recipe has been floating around the web as of recent.  They call it Green Monster Spinach Smoothie.  I don't know how this person figured out the combination of these ingredients but they totally work.

How healthy are we?!

Four words

We anticipate Christmas for 364 days.  The lights, the parties, the songs, the joy... and as soon as the clock strikes midnight on December 26, there is a sadness in the air as the Christmas season is over, the long winter months loom over us as we must wait another 364 days for this joyous occasion to cycle once more.

But this blog entry is not about that.  While we do have to wait another 364 days for the wonderful day of Christmas, there is another event that is upon my family that we won't have to wait so long for!  Something wonderful happened this Christmas that our family will treasure for years to come.  My beautiful cousin, Aimee, said "yes" to committing herself to the love of her life.  Jered surprised Aimee on Christmas day but not only surprised her with his presence but surprised her by proposing, asking her to be his wife.

It was wonderful being able to celebrate with them and hear the story, the funny parts, the romantic parts, the sweet parts.  Jered will be the perfect partner for Aimee and she, the perfect partner for him.  I can see their love for each other in the way they look at each other.  I think at times, they even know each other better than they even know themselves.

I couldn't help but think back to when Caleb proposed and even before that, when he told me he loved me.  March 2008 - Victoria Falls, Zambia

Standing in the midst of the falls which felt like a downpour of rain, completely soaked, wet hair sticking to my forehead, soaked clothes hanging off me and out of breath from running through the trails to see the beautiful waterfall, Caleb held me, looked into my eyes, and told me he loved me.  That was the first time he said these words.  Those three words were monumental because he had told me he had never said those words to any other girl and he vowed he never would until he was absolute sure of the girl he would marry.

I knew those three words were as good as the four words, "Will you marry me?"

September 2008 - Canton, IL - Ashley's home

Caleb made the trek to Canton in a horrendous thunderstorm to ask me to be his wife.  He too, like Jered, surprised me with his presence but had a bigger surprise awaiting.  I came home from a wedding.  I was the first to enter the house.  The house was quiet.  Few lights were on.  Rose petals formed a pathway to my childhood bedroom.  I entered and saw my handsome boyfriend standing in my room with candles and rose petals that filled the room.  I don't remember all what was said but I do recall "Ashley, you're the only one I want to spend the rest of my life with.  Will you marry me?"

Those four words are every girl's dream.  It feels like a fairytale.  It feels surreal.  It's something you've dreamed about ever since you were a little girl when you watched Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty and Snow White be swept off their feet by their Prince Charming.

I'm not one for the mushy gushy romanticism but there is something magical about being proposed to by the one man who will stand by your side and love you through thick and thin.

I am incredibly happy for Aimee and Jered; it's moments like these that bring upon the memories of falling in love.  

Yum yums

Pinterest is blowing my mind!  I can't believe how creative some people are; thank goodness they are willing to share that creativity with the rest of us.  I found a scrumptious recipe that I made for a Christmas party.  The recipe actually tastes more summery but the red strawberries felt Christmasy.  Plus they were so easy and everyone loved them!

The problem with vacation

The term "problem with vacation" is an oxymoron.  Problem and vacation do not go together. 

Allow me to address some potential problems pre-vacation:

- Money - It can cost a pretty penny to take a vacation.

- Time off work - We all have vacation days to use but most people have to use it very strategically.

- Vacation location - Because vacations can cost quit a bit, deciding and agreeing where to go can be a strain.

I get it.  The above pre-vacation problems have entered the Redelman household before.

But.  Problems must be banished from vacation.  The very definition of vacation is, "A period of suspension of work, study or other activity, usually used for rest, recreation or travel." 

I love vacations.  I love vacations and I need vacations.  Vacations have been a huge part of my family ever since I was born.   We work hard all year long and have our eyes set on that yearly vacation.  It's something to work for.  It's something to look forward to. 

It's a time to get away.

It's a time to rest. 

It's a time to enjoy relaxing, playing, being together.

It's a time where you leave your problems for a week. 

Escape.

Problems don't follow you to vacation.  They are purposely left at home.  Problems are not welcome on vacation.

The only problem with vacation is that it isn't long enough.  

The favorite Tee

We all have our favorite, extremely worn yet extremely comfy, go-to t-shirt.  It's familiar.  You like the way it fits.  You like the way it feels.  You like the memories that are tied to that dadgum old, very worn t-shirt. 

You throw it on as soon as you get home from work.

You'll lounge in it.

You'll go to the grocery store in it.

You'll wear it with a nice pair of jeans and boots and justify it as your 'modern casual/sloppy' look.

You wear it when you're sick.

You'll wear it to bed.

You'll wear it as a 3rd layer when you go to a chilly fall football game.

It's your favorite t-shirt!  My favorite t-shirt is my Canton Little Giants 2002 State Playoffs.  The hem has come out at the bottom.  There is a hole under the armpit.  It's discolored on the back.  But that is my favorite t-shirt. 

What's your favorite t-shirt?

Fearing vulnerability

I'm a bit of a skeptic.  I'm all for change but before I can jump on board, you had better show me all the ins and outs of how that change is going to work and how it will benefit those involved.  And even then, it will take a bit of time before I'm "all in."  It's just how I operate.


I don't know if any of you struggle with this but I am skeptical about being completely honest with people and not just people, friends even, all because I worry that I will be judged.  It's quite sad though... to worry about being honest about the things that plagued you.  Can we trust each other to just... be there?  And just... listen with pure hearts?


Even with Christian women, I could pour my heart out about the things that are my Mt. Everest's, and even though part of them truly wants to care and pray for you, the other half is still a sinner and judges.  Disclaimer: This is not a blanket statement.
How can we trust the people we call friends to listen, really listen with a pure heart, hear you when you cry over admitting Satan's lies that attack you daily, and truly feel empathy, without an ounce of judgement or resentment?
How?  This is really unsettling to me.  It's unsettling to go through life, walking alongside one another, but fearing vulnerability because we don't want to be silently judged.


Do we not realize that we are all going through very similar situations?  Will the situations be identical in detail?  No but they are similar in nature.  Self-esteem, relationships, spiritual battles, etc.  You know them... we all experience these things and more.


I'm completely aware that this next part is a run-on sentence but they are my thoughts and my thoughts are continuous run-on sentences :)
Challenge for myself and all who are reading:
How about the next time your friend seeks you out to share a secret that has weighed on her, something that has been haunting her for awhile, something that she has struggled with and needs to vent, and better yet, needs prayer of a faithful and pure hearted friend, how about when you hear her share her struggles, instead of thinking, "She's upset about that?  Seriously?!  Doesn't she realize I along with 50,000 other women have it way worse?!", why don't we put away the pity party, put away the resentment and judgement, and realize this women is sharing with you because she trusts you and needs your friendship, love and care.  And that thing she just shared that you judged her for, it is a huge weight on her, beating her down everyday.

And guess what, there will come a time when it's your turn to share with a friend your deep dark struggles and you will seek that same true friendship, love and care from them.  None of us want to be judged for simply being honest about what we're struggling with in life, especially by those that are friends.  Friends are supposed to be a safe haven.  I ask myself this question: Have I been a good friend lately?  One that my friends know they can trust 100% to just love them, in the good, bad and the ugly, and never for one second resenting them in their struggles or silently judging them as they trust me to empathize with them.
Seems twisted doesn't it?  Silently judging while I am being trusted to truly empathize.
I don't want to be a twisted friend.  Twisted and friend do not really go together anyway.  I want to be a true friend. 

All things fall

Ahhh fall.  It is one of my favorite times of year.  There are so many wonderful sights and smells that make fall magical.


- Crisp, refreshing fall breeze
- Leaves turning earthy colors of reds, oranges, and browns
- The crunch of the fallen leaves under your feet
- Pumpkin spice lattes
- Farmers' Market candle *Which is burning away as I write and man oh man, our living room smells wondrous right now!
- My birthday! *Year 26.... gulp
- Apple picking
- Pumpkin bread
- Football games
- Hot chocolate at football games
- Wrapped up in a blanket at football games
- Marching bands at football games
- Carving pumpkins
- Appropriate weather to wear all my hats
- Daylight savings time - I'll take that extra hour!


Ahhhh fall.  Beautiful. Calming. Refreshing.  Take some time this fall to stop and enjoy the beauty the Lord has given us through the season of fall.  

Phileo

I did it... I went for it.  I went to a scrapbook store, carefully selected some starter pieces, came home, spread out my goodies and began fashioning my own home-made cards.

Now, Caleb and I have an idea.  But for now... I'll just practice making cards for the pure joy of it.  I quickly learned in the first 10 seconds, I need to invest in a paper cutter.  My own unsteady hand just won't cut it - hahahaha no pun intended.  And yes, I just cracked myself up with my unintended pun.

Here are a few I toyed with over the weekend.  Forgive me, lighting is not the greatest in our apartment. 

Hi friend

Wedding!

Pick-me-up

'Brotherly love' in Greek.  There is a reason for this but that reason is a vision for the future :)