A baby, a cupcake, a wagon and a whole lotta love

The pressure to make your child's birthday party an unforgettable extravaganza is out of this world.  The lengths that some parents (ok, probably moms) go to is enough to make a humble homemade tissue-paper decorated party look like we're punishing our child.  And that's exactly what Selah's party was like.  Not the punishment part.  But homemade tissue-paper decorations, oh yes.  And I was darn proud of them.

I am not one to conform to the pressures our society puts on us moms to go to such lengths.  And guess what.  I love my child more than anyone could possibly fathom.  Even if I don't buy her ponies and tiaras and rent out a reception hall.  I may be stubborn in areas that cause tension unnecessarily but when it comes to saying to no to the pressures of society, I have no problem standing on my soap box and wearing a "Just say NO" sticker loud and proud.  

Throwing an elaborate party for your child isn't wrong.  Who's to say what's too elaborate?  If you want to throw your child a grandiose party, more power to you.  However, I know what I consider elaborate.  And what may be innocent party planning at times, but for me, I'm not going to allow myself to be consumed by the competitive and outlandish world of pressure we mother tend to put on ourselves.

So instead of this (which is amazing and gorgeous and I'm sure daughter and mommy both loved every minute of this party) but we're just not that fancy around here.

We had a little party in our backyard with close family and friends who love our daughter and have witnessed her grow over the last year. Some may think even I went over the top for Selah's party.  I know she won't remember it.  But this was a special day and I wanted to make it nice and memorable, even if just for me.  One day, Selah will be able to look at the pictures and watch the videos of her first birthday and she will see how excited we were to celebrate her! After all, it's a big accomplishment to make it through the first year!  We SURVIVED!!!  And we still want to keep her ;-) 

Check out those homemade tissue paper pom poms!  Haha Up close they were definitely not so great but I was happy with how they turned out overall.

Selah and Zeke

Please enjoy the progression of her facial expressions as she tries the cupcake frosting

Selah and Ella

Ella, Selah and Ilona

Getting dressed for her party

Loving her new wagon!

Selah and her Popi

Selah and her Mimi

Selah and her Grammy Bobbi and Grandpa Ray

Selah with her Great Grandma Cris and Great Grandpa George

Two brothers and their girls

My baby turned 1

Selah Grace has turned 1 year old.  My how time does fly.   I have told Caleb countless times how the first weeks with our newborn feels like last month.  The sweet memories from the night of her birth and the first months with her are still very fresh in my mind.

I had such strong emotions that surrounded her first birthday (May 15).  It's exciting because it's quite unbelievable to witness how much growth and development she has experienced in just 12 short months.  It's such a delight to watch her learn new things.  But there's a part of my heart that still hangs on to those newborn days where she sweetly slept, often times in my arms, and I could just stare at her, taking in her newness.

The days where she would learn to sit up, crawl and take her first steps felt like ages away.  How could this tiny little peanut ever get to that point?!  Well... I blinked and she reached all the points.   Now that she can do all those things, it's hard to imagine her as a newborn.

The past 12 months have been full of challenges, struggles, sleepless nights, crying, laughter, joys, delights, sweet memories, and growth for both Caleb and me.

There were many times I thought I had reached my breaking point.
There were many times I thought she would never stop crying and go to sleep.
There were many times I thought she would never figure out how to nurse.
There were many times I laughed so hard at how funny and silly she was being.
There were many times I felt my heart would burst from the immense love I felt for my daughter.
There were many times I have snuck into her room just to feel warm fuzzies from watching her sleep.

She is our beautiful gift.  We have reached the point where we don't remember what life was like before she existed.  It is our hope and prayer that Selah Grace grows to love Jesus and to follow and serve Him with her whole heart.

Happy first birthday baby girl.  You are loved more than you know.  And now let's go down memory lane and look at photos of Selah Grace over the past year.

1 month old to 12 months old

Fake community

I joined a small group back in August.  It consists of 10 women.  Let me say this: I love these women dearly. They are God fearing women who desire to truly deepen their relationship with God while cultivating genuine relationships with each other.  Sounds simple enough, right?  ... Not quite.

When we first met together, we each communicated to the group that we wanted true community with each other.  Most of us had been in a small group before where perhaps some people in the group wanted realness but it always resulted in the same thing: surfacey Bible studies week after week with no accountability and no community outside of our weekly meeting.  

To be blunt (and in my opinion): groups like this are a waste of time as it produces no real growth in any one area.  We all have busy lives and it's to the point where we have to make our time count.  I don't know if you've experienced this but for me, I'm tired of wasting what precious hours I have (alone!) on a "bible study" that is so surfacey I leave thinking "That was ridiculous - I learned nothing and don't know anyone any better.  Where's the depth?!"

Groups like this are pseudocommunity or in otherwards, fake.  And I'm a guilty patron of this type of "community".  (This is where I sheepishly raise my hand half-way in the air and scrunch my face as if to say, "Uh-oh... that's me... guilty.")

Along with our Bible study, we are reading a book called Everybody's Normal Till You Get to Know Them by John Ortberg.  The definition of pseudocommunity blew my mind as it hit way too close to home:

"Its hallmark is the avoidance of conflict.  In pseudocommunity we keep things safe; we speak in generalities, we say things that those around us will agree with.  We tell little white lies to make sure no one's feelings get hurt, no one gets tense.  We keep relationships pleasant and well-oiled. Conversations are carefully filtered to make sure no one gets offended; if we feel hurt or irritated, we are careful to hide it.  Pseudocommunity is agreeable and polite and gentle and stagnant - and ultimately fatal."

Yikes.  

And this couldn't be more true.  I have felt this SO many times.  And not just in previous Bible studies, but my life in general.

While I greatly, deeply, desperately want true, genuine community, it's not that easy.  If it were easy, I would not have resonated with the description of pseudocommunity.... my life at times!

Being genuine, being open, being honest, involves a great deal of vulnerability.  To be honest, it's downright scary to speak up and share how you really feel. These thoughts begin to creep in:

"What if I'm the only one that thinks this?"  

"What if they all disagree with me?"

"If I share this, will they think I'm a horrible Christian?"

"I'm never able to articulate my thoughts well enough, so I'll just keep them to myself."

Think back to old cartoons... this is the part where the red warning light goes off and a loud robotic voice comes over the speaker shouting "Danger! Danger Danger!"

Wow.  Satan has an annoying knack for wriggling into any crevice of my heart to plant his lies which seeps into my soul.  Not only it is annoying but it is dangerous.

In order to grow that community, in order to make it true, life giving, and genuine, you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable.  You have to allow yourself to speak up if you disagree (but in love).  You have to be willing to speak the truth in love to a fellow believer (accountability) and you have to learn to accept being rebuked.  I'm not saying this is easy.  In fact, it's quite uncomfortable.  I am still learning how to practice genuine community.  

The other thing I want to mention is that I fully believe that this type of community I (along with my small group) so greatly desire involves a heavy dose of getting to know how each person operates (like the DISC test or Myers-Briggs assessment).  Navigating a Bible study with 10 women is sure to be full of highs and lows.  It takes a great deal of time to truly get to know someone and to also build each other's trust.  And truly knowing them (how they operate) is not something that happens overnight.  But learning it will help immensely in this journey of finding and practicing genuine community.

This is just a small peek into what's been on my heart lately as I contemplate what genuine community is and what pseudo (fake) community is and I have come to realize my life has been full of pseudocommunity moments.  But it's not what I desire.  

Honestly, I get annoyed when people over-spiritualize things and that's certainly not what I'm trying to do here, but I truly believe that this group of women is ordained by God and some great things will come of it as time passes.

It's time to strap on my big girl boots and get in the mud with these 9  women cause life is dirty and messy but living it together honestly and genuinely, reminds me I am not alone; I can rely on these women and that's a beautiful thing.

Consistently inconsistent

I know it's an odd thing to mull over... consistently inconsistent.  By their very definitions, these two words are antonyms.  Yet these two words accurately describe my life in this season of raising a baby.

A couple of weeks ago, I sat down during Selah's afternoon nap and began writing about how it took 8 long months to finally get her on a schedule.  The schedule was beautiful.  Eating, playing, sleeping, the whole day was set up just right.  It was b-e-a-utiful.  Finally!  
I kid you not, it took 8 months to get to that point.  And for a mommy who enjoys... strike that... typically needs an expected schedule in her life, it was more annoying than anything to not have that. Although, believe me... I tried.  Funnily enough, that post I started writing about her wonderful schedule was quickly deleted because the day after I began writing, she abandoned her schedule.  Isn't ironic... dontcha think?

Boy did it drive me crazy that I couldn't figure out my daughter and help guide her into a schedule.  Mainly the biggest issue has been with naps.  For the life of me, I have not been able to get my daughter to nap well.  My poor husband can vouch for this; he is always the one on the other end of my text messages that say "it's not going well... again."

You want to know what I mean by consistently inconsistent?  It'd take up too much space to write about all the different ways Selah has napped since she has been born.  Let's just say she has accepted and rejected all sorts of napping scenarios and changes it up about every month.

That is what I mean by consistently inconsistent.  I can always count on my daughter to throw us a new type of curve ball just about every month.  It's exhausting and frustrating.  And yes, I know this goes for most babies. Once we figure "it" out, they decide it's time to change it up again. Gotta keep mom and dad on our toes.

So far in our very short parenthood journey, it's proven true that the joyful times have greatly outweighed the challenging and stressful times.  We often look through the hundreds, if not thousands of pictures and videos of her, loving all the warm fuzzies that come with it.  Caleb and I will be reminiscing and one of will say, "Remember when she went through (blank) and how tough that was?!"  And the other responds with "Ohh yea... wow... yea that was tough... but I kinda forgot about it."
That's true.

There are times I have forgotten what it was like to struggle with breastfeeding (hands down the hardest thing I've faced in my life).
There are times I have forgotten what it was like to fear running errands because the second I would get stopped by a red light, she would cry.  
There are times I have forgotten what it was like to spend 40 minutes getting her back to sleep at night, creep out of her silent room and the second I crawl into bed, her cries pierce through the monitor.

While at times we have forgotten the challenges, in the moments they happened, I promise you, they were our Mount Everest.  
This woman wrote an awesome post that really spoke to me.  She writes about the 3 most important words a parent needs to hear: "You'll get there."  
Basically it's all about the challenges you face as a parent but to tell yourself, this will eventually pass, it won't last forever, you'll get there.
I don't know this woman but she wrote what I had been feeling; it was freeing to know someone else "gets" it and furthermore, supported how I have been feeling.  
I'll be honest, in the tough moments of parenthood it's hard to be honest with people how you're feeling because it's inevitable people give you this particular piece of unsolicited advice, "Enjoy these moments, it goes by too fast."  I know they mean well.  But whether they know it or not, it diminishes the trial I'm facing.  

Trust me, I know to savor the moments with my daughter.  One day, too soon I'm sure, she will be grown and gone.  But when we're having a bad day, it doesn't mean that I should hold in my feelings of discouragement, exhaustion, frustration, impatience, etc.  Those are very real emotions that any parent will experience.

I do not want to forget all the struggles I've faced as a parent because I want to be able to listen to and console a new mommy as she cries over the hardship of nursing.  I want to be able to show I care for and understand the hardships of having a child that does not sleep well.  I want to show empathy to these mommys and let them know, you're not alone. Yes, it will pass.  But in the moment it happens, it's ok to be frustrated.  It's ok to even be angry.  In the moment, this is the Mount Everest you're facing and who are we to diminish someone else's trial by brushing past their hardship and smacking them in the face with a "much needed dose of optimism and perspective."

I am slowly accepting the notion that my kid is going to continue throwing us curve balls.  I hope that someday soon her consistent inconsistencies will even out but in the mean time, I suppose I should take it one day at a time, attempt to remember the challenges, be a listening ear to another struggling mommy and that's what I can be consistent in.

Mobile baby

We have a mobile baby, folks.  And boy does she keep me busy.  But she sure is the cutest.

Selah learned to crawl about 2 weeks ago, roughly at 8.5 months old.  She started crawling right after Caleb left for work.  She continued to learn the rest of the morning; she was super cautious and very slow.  Later that afternoon, she refused to crawl.  
Hmm.  Odd.  
I assumed that when a baby learned to crawl, they'd be off...gone in a flash... see ya mom!  I've got staircases to explore, dangerous objects to pull over and all sorts of unknown crumb like specs to put in my mouth. 
Not quite the case with my daughter.  I even tried moving all her toys away from her to try and entice her to continue practicing.  She simply looked all around her to see if anything, anything else was within reach for her to grab.  Sadly, there was nothing within reach.  So the little squirt began playing peek-a-boo with her clothes.  Silly girl.  When life gives her lemons, she already knows how to make lemonade.

But the next day, she continued crawling and since then, hasn't looked back.  And now we're back to exploring and ultimately finding dangerous objects to pull over.  It's no wonder one of baby's first words is "no."  I'm constantly telling Selah, "No no Selah."  "No, we cannot play with the cords."  "No no, we do not touch the fireplace."  Poor girl.  I want her to be able to explore.  There's just one too many things in our home that are off-limits because their potentially dangerous.  Sometimes I think she looks at me like, "Can I play with this mom?  Or is this a no-no too?"  Even when it's a no-no, she still goes for it.  It's like she knows she can't have it but wants it anyway.  I have to remember, my precious, sweet baby girl was born a little sinner.  Ohhh what a responsibility we have as her parents to teach her!  Yikes!

Selah turned 9 months old this past weekend.  I've done a pitiful job at keeping you updated on her monthly growth and developments.  So, I'll lump it all in one post.  The last time I posted she was 5 months old!  Oops!

- She weighs a whopping 17 lbs 7 oz.  
- She's tried lots of different foods.  Banana, avocado, blueberries, mango, papaya, peaches, pears, apples, butternut squash, sweet potato, peas, broccoli, carrot, cauliflower, chicken.  I still really enjoy making her food.  We are trying to transition to finger foods.  She gags easily, so it'll be a slow process.
- She can crawl.
- She can pull herself up.
- She's learning how to get back down, which sometimes she forgets how to do so.
- We sleep trained for the second time and within a week, we could lay her down awake and she'd put herself to sleep.  YAY!
- However, the crawling milestone combined with separation anxiety, has led to a sudden abandonment of putting herself down for naps.  At least I got a few weeks out of her putting herself down.
- She has good weeks of sleeping through the night and bad weeks where she'll wake and be up for 1-2 hours in the middle of the night, and at times, it seems impossible to get her back down.  Those are very difficult and trying nights.
- She loves to see her daddy when he comes home from work. 
- She claps and waves.
- She learned to drink from a straw.
- She can place rings on its holder and put shapes into the shape sorter.
- She likes turning pages in her books.
- She is having an aversion to diaper changes.
- She says da-da A LOT but we still don't think she knows what it means.
- She loves kicking the soccer ball.
- She loves walking around the house with our assistance.
- Her hair still sticks straight up.
- She loves pulling things out.  Not for the purpose of playing but for the sole purpose of just pulling things outs.  All the blankets and burp cloths in the bin, pulled out. All the diapers in the bin, pulled out.  All the toys, pulled out.  All her dirty clothes in the laundry basket, pulled out.  Everything sitting in her car seat like hats, mittens, coat, blanket, boots, pulled out.  It's constant.  And it's a lot to pick up.  We'll have to teach her the Clean Up song sooner rather than later.

Boy are we smitten with this little girl.  I get super emotional thinking that her 1st birthday is just around the corner.  How do we have a 9 month old already?  In just 3 short months, we'll be celebrating her 1st birthday.  *Sigh*  In the meantime, as tiring as it is, I'm enjoying chasing my little peanut around, playing with her, watching her explore and learn.  And there are times I stop throughout the week and just stare at her and think, Wow... what a gift.  I can't believe how much I love this little tiny person.  I can't imagine my life without her.

Happy 9 months Selah Grace.

 Loves pulling everything out.

Again with the diapers.  Every day.

Reading in a mess :-)

Brush those teeth from Ashley Redelman on Vimeo.



Learning to crawl from Ashley Redelman on Vimeo.

A baby in a pink bloomer

I've toned down by annoyance for Valentine's Day over the years.  As of recent, it's the fact that I have a daughter that makes it more cute than anything.  I can totally get on board with making fun Valentine crafts and treats which we'll probably begin doing next year when she's older.

Don't worry, you can keep reading.  I will refrain from stepping on my soap box about my true feelings regarding Valentine's Day.  This post is dedicated to the cutie baby that has stolen my heart.  

My aunt got Selah a cute pink bloomer that's like a baby tutu.  The thought occurred to me months ago to use the tutu bloomer for her very first Valentine's Day photo shoot.  I'm glad I remembered because she sure looked adorable!  She misses her daddy while he's at work and of course, he misses her every minute he is gone.  I thought it'd be nice to send him a little love from his baby girl valentine.

It's hard to have a photo shoot with a mobile 9 month old.

So I bring out the big guns to keep her sitting still.  My phone :)

Happy Valentine's Day
xoxo, Selah Grace