Love

I was talking to my sister-in-law about how much you love your child and the more I talked about it... the more emotion built up within me as I really thought about it.  I love my girls. Like love them. Fiercely.  

It's amazingly easy to love your children when they are at their sweetest.  When she asks sweetly "Mommy, please come play doll house with me."  Or when she chooses to come sit by me on the couch and tenderly rests her hand on my shoulder.  Or when she sings Jesus Loves Me while scooting around the chairs in Starbucks.  Oh yes... those moments are easy as pie to love your child(ren) to the nth degree. 

And even when they do things not so cute or not so sweet.... or when they push your buttons... or when you've lost patience because they just. won't. listen.... or when they throw a mega sized tantrum over sitting in their carseat... the love remains.

I feel like I cannot possibly love them any more; like my heart feels it will explode from this intense feeling.  But somehow... my heart continues to grow, allowing even more love, a stronger love to fill the new space in my bigger heart.  It brings me to tears.  My brain doesn't comprehend the love I have for my children.  But I feel it.  
Fiercely.  Passionately.  Sweetly.  Strongly.

And it brings me back to God and how much MORE He loves me.  My kids.  You.  Every single human being that has ever and will ever be created.  Wow.  Now that, my little brain REally cannot comprehend. 
I'm just like my kids when it comes to how I act towards my Heavenly Father.  
I throw tantrums.  I disobey.  I'm selfish.  Yet even in my flaws... He still loves me.  
Fiercely.  Passionately.  Sweetly.  Strongly.
And even more so than I do my children.  Because He's God and everything He does, He does mightily.  

It's pretty swell of Him to give us the gift of parenthood so that we may have a glimpse of His mighty love for us, His creation, His children.  It's a beautiful way to know our Heavenly Father in an intimate way, like a mother and father love their offspring, so does God love you and me and everyone in between and with a love so infinitely... which I cannot comprehend.  But I believe it. 
And I feel it.

Those baby blues

I actually don't mean baby blues like postpartum depression, I mean baby blues like "Holy smokes that baby girl has amazingly gorgeous blue eyes!"  Not only are Savannah's baby blues gorgeous but the girl's got lashes for days!  Pictures really don't do them justice.  

Savannah Joy just turned 4 months.  I'm not sure how it's possible to simultaneously think " 4 months already?!" and "Her birth seems so long ago"... but it's possible because I think it every day.

Her middle name is proving true thus far.  She is such a happy, joyful child (when she's not overtired or teething - which she is teething already.  Both my kids cut their first teeth at 4 months).

Here's what's going on in her little life as of recently:
- She found her feet although she has yet to realize she can get her toesies in her mouth.  
- She is finding new noises to make with her voice.  She squeals and squeals LOUDLY.  While ear piercing, it's funny to watch her exert as much energy as possible to get the biggest squeal out she can muster.  She has also started growling the past couple days.  Now that noise is not so cute.
- She's cutting her first teeth.
- She ate baby oatmeal this past week and seemed to like it!
- We've begun sleep training to help her get better sleep at night since she's got in a bad habit of waking almost every hour during the night.  That is not fun either.
- She loves her big sister and it's fun watching them interact.  Can't wait to see that sweet little relationship grow in the years to come.
- She wants to stand up.  All. the. time. 
- She doesn't like being alone.  

She's a sweetie and I can't get enough of this little face.

Motherhood unveiled

Savannah Joy, sweet happy girl, our second born ... The poor child has no posts about her besides her birth story. Not because I don't want to, quite the contrary, I think about it often but either time doesn't allow, children's needs do not cease or energy evades me... Or usually all three strike at the same time. 
Having two kids is proving to be more difficult than having one.  I remember struggling with one child.  It took Selah over a year before accepting nap time and getting on a decent schedule.  Doesn't seem like a big deal reading it but let me tell you... there were many, MANY tears shed from the both of us during the nap battle days.

And then I got pregnant with Savannah.  Having one toddler while pregnant felt like climbing Mt. Everest most days.  Exhaustion to the max with pregnancy symptoms while desiring special one-on-one time with Selah before our family changed and grew to 4.

While I've only been a mother of 2 for 3 months, I'd say my days with two children have evened out regarding the good days outnumbering the bad days.  I think I can count on one hand the number of bad ... and I mean BAD, days we've had.  

The bad/hard days usually consist of my toddler choosing poor listening skills and disobeying which results in several tantrums and mommy figuring out how to effectively discipline (and this happens all.day.long on these more challenging of days).  And on the infant side of it, the hard part usually revolves around nap time (getting her to fall asleep and stay asleep for more than 3 minutes... and this means I am running back upstairs to replace a fallen paci or rock her every 3 minutes until she decides she wants to be asleep asleep. There are times I've played that game for over 2 hours.  And then I end up with an overtired infant and a mom about to lose it).

I knew better than to look up advice online because of the outrageous plethora of conflicting information.  But against my better judgement, I did it anyway.  Of course, half the parental society told me a newborn was 100% capable of being put on a schedule (particularly the sleeping portion).  The other half dug their heels in and said a newborn is not physically capable or developed enough to do such a thing.  I attempted to get Savannah on a schedule when she was around 2 months old.  Try as I might, she's not on one yet (she just turned 3 months).  Just this past week I've finally accepted that.  A schedule will emerge soon enough.  Maybe your infant sleeps at the same time every day for the same length of time... but that is soooo not the case for my littles.  And I admit I envy your predictable daily schedule.

The first day Caleb went back to work after his paternity leave and it was just me and both kids... alone... that was a rollercoaster day.  How was I to put the baby down for several naps (which took several attempts to get her down) while my toddler was left downstairs alone?  That doesn't seem right or safe. But taking my oldest upstairs with us results in her bursting in the room excited to see her sister which then in turn wakes up the baby and I have to start all over again.  
Insert pulling hair out emoji here.

That first day with the two of them, I distinctly remember looking at the clock over and over with steam coming out my ears and muttering under my breath as I impatiently and angrily waited for him to get off work so I could throw (not literally) our screaming newborn at him so I could use both hands to finish dinner for our hungry, impatient and whining toddler.  I was a mess.  Literally.  Unshowered.  Still in pajamas. Unbrushed teeth.  Frazzled.  Angry. About to burst into tears. I probably had a piece of toast and cookies to eat that day.  A glowing picture of a Train.Wreck.Mom. 

A friend of mine reminded me that perspective and joy can easily sink to the bottom during these trying times.  She's absolutely right.  For years all I dreamed of was having children... being a mommy.  No one can prepare you for the trials that motherhood brings.  And no one can prepare you for the heart melting, beautiful, sweet moments that your children bring into each day (and they aren't even trying to do sweet things... it just oozes from them).

I can say without a doubt and without hesitation that motherhood has been the single most difficult mountain I've ever climbed. There are days that have left me tired. dirty. angry. ashamed. tearful. 

But as my friend said, perspective and joy easily sink to the bottom when the ugly side of the challenges overshadow the positive side of challenges.  It happens far too often.  And when I'm reminded of this, it makes me sad.  But I simply need to readjust my perspective and remember why I wanted to be a mommy in the first place.  My job is 24/7.  And it is important.  My little ones are sponges, soaking in information and knowledge constantly. 

My job is to teach them, equip them, love them... through every tear, through every tantrum, through every scraped knee, through every scared moment of shadows and bath tubs, through the laughs, through the silly, through the hugs and kisses, through it all.  I want to point my children to Jesus. To forgiveness.  To grace. To love. 

Even though we have hard days... and there are many more hard days to come I am sure... I don't ever want to forget the joy that my children bring me.  They are my most precious and beautiful gifts that God has chosen to grant me.  I take my role as their mother very seriously.  Motherhood brings inevitable challenges and that in of itself is ok and even necessary for growth.  But I certainly don't wish for my sin to bury my perspective and joy under the muck of that sinful nature.  
Even though there are days that have left me tired. dirty. angry. ashamed. tearful... there are days that have left me grateful, humbled, happy with tears of sweet innocence as I sing my babies to sleep, pictures and videos for me to remember fun and sweet moments caught in time.  

Motherhood is not what I expected it to be.  It's much harder.  It's not wrapped in a pretty bow.  It doesn't leave myself, my children and my home in Pinterest perfect shape.  It's a messy life that I don't have much control over.  It is molding me daily.  Although sometimes molding is painful.  But that's a part of it.  And I hope to be a better person, wife and mother for it.  God knew motherhood would be challenging.  So that's why He allowed a delicious cherry on top.  Motherhood brings a love like I have never known.

Savannah's Birth Story Part 3

A very special part to Savannah's birth story was the moment that she would meet her big sister. Selah understood, as best as a 23 month old could understand, that there was a baby in my tummy and her name was "Nana" (her version of Savannah).  

I wrote in a previous post about not understanding how you could love another child as much as you love your first.  I've heard it can take a little while to bond with your second child and that it's completely normal and certainly doesn't make you a bad parent.  
Minutes before leaving for the hospital, I was hit with a wall of emotion.  It was about time for Selah to go to bed.  The next time I would see her, we would be a family of four.  She would no longer be my one and only baby girl.  I began to cry as I pulled her in for one last hug.  I cannot even express the love I have for that little girl.  What parents say is true... I never understood this kind of deep love before I had Selah.  It's impossible to understand unless you experience it first hand... and furthermore, it's hard to even describe.  

For so many months, I had been thinking of the moment my two girls would meet.  When we found out we were having another girl, I was ecstatic!  I have prayed our girls will become wonderful friends and can experience special moments together as sisters.

Selah LOVES her little sister.  She wants to hold her first thing every morning.  She loves giving her kisses.  She becomes very concerned for her when she cries.  She is a big helper to mommy and helps bring diaper wipes and throw away diapers.  I think they'll be great buddies.  This warms and melts this mama's heart.

I love my girls with all my heart.

IMG 1883 from Ashley Redelman on Vimeo.

Savannah's Birth Story Part 2

Shortly after I had my membranes stripped, I began having contractions.  Or was it just cramping?  I still don't quite know.  I can't tell you how many times I kept googling questions and everyone said the same thing... "you'll probably feel crampy shortly after having your membranes stripped"... ok... so if that's what I was feeling, how do I know when it becomes more like actual labor??  

With Selah's birth, my water broke with no warning so the second time around, I wasn't quite sure what to expect if labor began with solely contractions.  

I began attempting to time these possible "contractions" on an app I had downloaded.  They were pretty much all over the board for awhile.  About noon on, they began to become closer together but were only lasting short periods of time, about 30-40 seconds.  Everything I read said active labor contractions would become closer together (ok, check!) and increase in length (60-90 seconds) (ok... darn).  Mine lasting only 30 seconds sure didn't appear to be amounting to anything significant.

Caleb and I decided to schedule an induction date for that Sunday morning.  I had been texting non-stop with my parents about my possible progression and since my induction was set for Sunday, they were going to come for the weekend.  Although we were all sure I'd have her before Sunday morning. 

And then we did something really smart.  We decided to run out to Menards to pick up some paint samples.  So smart of us, right?
My dad was going to do a coat of paint in the basement that weekend and we were on a time crunch to get paint back to the house for him to begin.  SO.  To Menards we went.  And of course my contractions picked up.  By that time, I knew they were contractions and not just cramping.  And they were about 5 minutes apart.... by the way, that's when you're told to head to the hospital.  Oops!  But they were still only lasting 30-40 seconds.  I wasn't double over in pain but had to stop walking and just quietly breath through them while Caleb chased Selah through the store.  Honestly, I wasn't convinced I was in real labor simply because they weren't lasting all that long.  

We were on our way home when we realized we didn't have anything to eat at home, so we pulled into McDonalds to grab some food.  That cheeseburger and sweet tea tasted so good, in between contractions of course.

I had Caleb call the hospital and explain my progression.  He explained we weren't quite sure if it was real labor since they were only 30-40 seconds long.  At THAT point, they were about 3-4 minutes apart.  I think I was in denial that this was actually the real deal.  They asked if this was my first baby.  Upon hearing it was our second, they said I was probably in real labor and should come right in.  But... but.... the paint samples!  We didn't get them painted on the wall and we haven't decided on a color!  Drat.

Within minutes, about 6:15p my parents pulled into the driveway.  By this time, the contractions were much more painful and I needed to really breath through them.  We knew Selah would be really excited to see my parents and we didn't want to throw her off anymore than she was about to be thrown off in the upcoming days.  We decided my mom would take me to the hospital to get checked in, Caleb would put Selah down and then once his mom got to the house to stay with her, Caleb and my dad would head to the hospital as well.

They checked me in lickety split and sure enough, I was dilated to 5-6 centimeters.  For the next couple hours, I endured what I would consider legitimate painful labor.  Sure I don't have anything to compare it to but I was in pain and beyond ready for my wonderful epidural.  After each contraction, I already felt exhausted.  I don't know how women can go through natural labor and push through all that pain and contractions and for potential hours. In between contractions, I felt I could have fallen right asleep.
Finally.  Finally I was able to get that sweet, sweet epidural.  Although, it took a solid 20-30 minutes for my epidural to even be injected.  That was rough.  I wrote in Selah's birth story that receiving an epidural was surprisingly a piece of cake as far as the pain goes.  But having it injected while having painful contractions and constant shaking is what made it more grueling.  I don't recall it taking that long with Selah but for some reason, it took awhile this time.  Or maybe it just felt like forever because I was in MUCH more pain this time around.

By 9p, I was pain free.  Ahhhh sweet relief.  The nurse placed me on my side with a big ol' peanut shaped ball in between my legs to help open my pelvis and move the baby along.  She said she'd be back in after awhile to shift me.  Well... 2 hours later she came back.  And here's where it got interesting.  She shifted me to the other side.  Immediately my water broke.  She checked me and sure enough, 10 centimeters!  It was about 11:15p at this point and she asked if I felt any urges to push.  Unfortunately, I didn't have that impending pressure-filled sensation just yet.  I wanted so badly to begin pushing.  I wanted a due-date baby!  I kept looking at the clock... 40 min left before midnight.  Could I do it?  I pushed for an hour with Selah... it was a complete toss up.

They brought the doctor in for me to try a couple pushes to see if any legitimate progress was happening.  Within minutes, I suddenly felt that strong pressure I was hoping to feel.  I was ready to push.  But first... wait... am I?... yes... I'm going to be sick.  Why is it I always have fast food type food in my system when I'm in labor?  First time it was hot dogs. Second time, McDonalds.  What wonderful choices Ash.  
Ok... now that that's over... let's begin.  
I pushed a couple times.  "There's her head!"  What?... already?  Ok, well great!  But with Selah, we saw her little head for like 45 minutes before she actually came out.  I knew it could still be awhile.  I pushed again.  
And then that dreaded sound crept over the monitor.  Her heartbeat.  Her slow... slow heartbeat.  It had dropped significantly.  No, no, no.  Not again. Selah's heart rate had dropped too and it's a very scary sound to hear.  They put me on my side and I pushed in a different position.  The doctor did a cool little trick and rubbed the baby's head which got her heart rate back up.  Ok... back on track. Let's keep going.

I was surrounded by such wonderful coaches.  Everyone telling me, "Push, push, push, you're doing great!"  I leaned my head back, took a breath, closed my eyes and pushed as hard and as best as I could (by the way, it's actually quite difficult to know what you're doing when you have an epidural and can't really feel much).  
And suddenly I felt something... something different... like a weird relief and I hear someone say something like "There she is, or here she comes" or something like that... I popped open my eyes and sure enough, her head was completely out and her little body followed suit.  What?!  Seriously?!  Already?!  About 10 minutes in and here she was... screaming on my chest, my eyes filled with tears and joyful laughter filling the room.  Our daughter was here.  She was finally here.  I could not have been happier in that moment.

Those first moments of holding my daughter on my chest were beyond euphoric.  The nurse placed her on my chest and within a few minutes, she stopped crying and we just laid there together in complete peace and joyful bliss.  

Savannah Joy had joined our family on her due date, Friday, April 17 at 11:44pm.  She's the tiniest, sweetest little peanut weighing in at 6 lbs 11 oz.  We have fallen completely in love with this precious babe and I thank God for the beautiful gift we have in our second daughter, our sweet Savannah Joy.

My sweet husband leading us in prayer over the delivery of our daughter

Straight action shot, just seconds out of the womb (props to my mom for being quick and catching these shots!)

Proud daddy

Friday.  April 17.  What started as a day filled with anxiety and questions, progressing with confusion and denial, it ended with the clear fact that I was in real labor that day and it would result in the birth of our beautiful daughter.  What a day.  What. a. day.  And I would do it again in a heartbeat, just to relive the magic of her birth.

Savannah's Birth Story Part 1

Friday.  April 17.  My due date.
I woke up feeling exhausted.  So what else is new in this pregnancy?  Well this time, I woke up feeling exhausted because I had been up throughout the night thinking.  I woke up feeling unsure, guilty, confused, a weight on my shoulders... and I had less than 2 hours to make a final decision.

You see, the previous evening I was at my small group Bible study and the topic of having your membranes stripped came up.  If you're really into learning about all things medical and pregnancy and you're dying to know how it works, you can read about it here.  Many of my friends have had this procedure done as a way to kick start labor.  A surprising number actually.  Everyone seemed at ease when talking about having it done and for the majority of them, it was a success (meaning labor began relatively quickly after having it done).  

The problem was I felt really uneasy about having this procedure done.  And that's what kept me up throughout the night.  Should I do it?  Should I not do it?  Should I continue to wait it out?  The next morning, April 17, was my due date.  And I had been antsy... REALLY REALLY antsy to have this baby.  As our alarm (Miss Selah) woke us up, I began spewing my thoughts to Caleb.  My appointment was at 8a and I needed to decide if I was going to do this or not.  We both started googling it and I began to do what I do best in that situation... cry.  

I was anxious to have labor begin that day because for one, I was way past ready to meet my daughter.  I wanted to have a due date baby.  It was a Friday and the timing would have worked out nicely regarding my parents being able to make it and stay for the weekend.
But on the other hand, aside from all the ideals, I felt an immense amount of guilt if I had this procedure done.  I felt like I was trying to control when my daughter was to be born.  I felt like I was trying to play the role of God and I did not feel ok about that.  Should I just let nature take its course and go into labor when God allows it?  Or was it a bad thing to attempt to jump start it and see what happens?  It really felt like a difficult decision especially since I had little time left to decide.

I prayed about it as I shuffled through getting ready and out the door and sought godly advice from trusted family and friends.

I got in the car and still didn't know what I was going to do.  

My doctor said I was still at 3 centimeters.  I'd been 3 centimeters for over a week and a half!  Argh.  Really?  No progression?  Well that's frustrating.  I began inquiring about the procedure.  She also spoke of it very casually although sure to tell me there's never a guarantee it'll actually start labor.  In that moment, I agreed although still slightly hesitant, to her doing it.  Side note.  It was PAINFUL.  Uuuum OUCH!  

I left the appointment and felt at ease.  I did not feel guilty.  I actually felt kind of indifferent about what had just been done.  The procedure was over.  No going back.  All I could do at that point was go about my day and see if anything progressed.  

And progress... major progress we saw....

40 weeks exactly!

We cray cray

We decided fairly recently to remodel our basement... in the midst of being "this" close to having a newborn.  Crazy?  Maybe so.
We thought it would be finished by now had we hired out the whole project.  But after budgeting out the finances, we decided to do 75% of it ourselves.  And that always takes longer. And it almost always produces snags.   And by we I mean Caleb and my dad.  
This pregnant lady can't do a whole lot.  I spent a few hours vacuuming one night and paid for it dearly.  
By the way, considering all the snaffoos, foreseen and unforeseen that came up, Caleb and my dad have done an outstanding job.  I'm very  proud of my hubby and all he has learned about construction and home ownership in the past few years.
Anywho, the basement was actually finished beforehand.  However, it was finished in a cheap way to help sell the house (which it did!) and after discussing it we decided we wanted to put money into "really finishing it".  That will become our main hang out spot for parties, play dates and a play area for the girls and when they're older, a safe, welcoming place for our kids to have friends over.

The walls were paneled and were already beginning to pop out.  Old windows that were quite drafty.  There was a dividing wall put up for some odd reason and we wanted to tear it down to open up the whole basement.  We were going to try and salvage the carpet but there were 3 separate areas of carpet missing after tearing our the wall and re-framing a couple areas.  Plus it got nasty after demo-ing and drywall.  I think I could vacuum over and over and over and still find nails in the carpet.  So.  New carpet it is!

Caleb demo-ed the whole basement himself and my dad graciously offered to help us with electrical work, framing and painting.  We decided to hire out drywall/mudding.  

Super excited to have it completed.  I'd say it's about half done currently and the hard part is behind us, thankfully.  Painting, trim, storage unit, outlets and carpet has yet to be finished.  But that's the cleaner part of a basement remodel and more fun because you can see the finish line!  

Can't wait to enjoy the finished product this summer!  I kept forgetting to take pics along the way so this is all I have.

The nasty demolition work

Right about where Caleb is standing is where the dividing wall was put up.  

It was gross and messy.

Notice there are no lights in the ceiling.

Notice the lovely recessed lighting in the ceiling!  Thanks dad for all the electrical work!  We LOVE the way they look!  Right where the odd strips of blue/green lines are in the carpet... that's where the diving wall was put up.  

Our drywall guy gave us 48 hours notice that we had to clear out the entire basement along with a large to-do list for Caleb before they could begin drywall.  YIKES!  We spent the next two nights working on getting everything ready.  Caleb's dad came over and helped carry down 33 sheets of 12 foot long drywall.  Again.  YIKES!  Thankfully, it fit down the stairs and they did it relatively quickly.  And yes, I even helped :)  Probably shouldn't have but I didn't go into labor!  By the way, if you re-do anything that involves drywall, you can save money by ordering drywall through a place like Home Depot rather than having the drywall company provide it.  You just have to be willing to move the drywall yourself!

Ahhhhh fresh drywall!!!!  

Caleb and my dad re-framed part of this wall, adding the angled wall and added a door to the laundry room.

New windows and below is the storage area that already existed and it was just easier to leave it that way.  It will be storage used for toys.

I'll be sure to post more pics as we progress further.

Ready

Tomorrow marks 38 weeks pregnant for this mama.  It was 38 weeks exactly that my water broke with little Miss "Sesah" as she calls herself.  One can only hope for the same this time around!  I'm unsure why but I have been incredibly... incredibly impatient awaiting the birth of this little one.   It's silly of me really.  There are tons of benefits to her staying inside of me.  She sleeps on her own. She's automatically fed.  She's held.  She's safe.  My body, internally, is taking care of her constantly. Once she's out.... game. changer.

But I'm still anxious, very anxious for labor to begin and to meet our tiny peanut.  She has been measuring on the small side during the last few months.  I have my last growth ultrasound tomorrow at 38 weeks to check her progression.  I'm sure she is just fine.  I can tell my baby bump has grown in the last few weeks, as it should, so I'm not worried at all. Just ready.  Very ready.  

The typical 3rd trimester annoyances have reared their ugly heads just as they did with Selah.  These two pregnancies have been extremely alike by the way.   

I bounce back and forth between wanting to have her NOW and trying to soak in every ounce of this pregnancy as possible.  OUR plans are to have two children.  So... after this... if the Lord allows, we will be finished having children.  However, I know, just know there will come a time when I yearn to be pregnant again... when my heart will ache to have a live human growing inside of me.  So that's where I take a step back, put my hands on belly and just feel her.  Think about her.  Pray for her.

I know how much my heart loves my daughter, Selah.  Right now, it's hard to imagine loving another little human just as much.  Selah has been our whole world these past two years.  How do you make room to love another child just as much?  I have read and heard from others that you just... do.  And it's just as incredible.  I cannot wait to meet our daughter.  And I cannot wait to see Selah be a big sister to her.  She is going to be wonderful and I think seeing my girls together will make my heart swell even more.

35 weeks

36 weeks

37 weeks

Literally looks like I swallowed a basketball. Weird.

W.W.I.T.A.F?

W.W.I.T.A.F?
What would I tell a friend?
Yes, just like the WWJD 90's fad, except it's longer, not easy to say at all, and isn't a fad.

Numerous times I have affirmed friends when she has felt down about herself or questions her feelings, her reactions, or is beating herself up for any number of things.  So why is it, when I have those same feelings, have poor reactions, or beat myself up, I find it near impossible to affirm myself in the same manner?

How can I so easily extend grace to my friends and truly mean it but withhold that grace from myself, when it's the exact same situation?

Every day there seems to be a new battle that rears its ugly head.  I lost patience with Selah.  I didn't get the laundry done like I had hoped.  I left the house a wreck knowing it would bless my husband to have it picked up before he came home.  I felt irritated.  I chose to watch TV instead of doing my Bible study.  I feel unmotivated because I'm not creative or fun or laid back as some of my other mom friends. 

The world we live in, especially through the social media outlet (Instagram, Blogs, Pinterest, Facebook, etc), is a dangerous realm that merely has to show you one single photo or one single caption that will make you question your entire being.... as dramatic as that sounds... it's true.

That mom who bakes everything from scratch.
Her kids are always smiling.
She lost all her baby weight immediately.
She can get her baby on a nap schedule.
She has perfect hair and the cutest clothes and is always put together.
She's super spiritual and her Instagram photo of her Bible and verse caption make it clear she's got it altogether with God.
She and her husband are always laughing and having dates and must be head over heels in love and ne-hever go to bed angry.

All these things and more are in my (and all other women's) faces.... constantly.  And it's enough to make you feel like a huge failure.  The unfortunate reality is that people aren't huge fans of showcasing their failures all over social media.  We want so badly to make it appear we have it altogether.  And for what reason?  To simply make us feel better... to push aside the parts we really dislike about ourselves... fear of being vulnerable... because who in  their right mind could extend any kind of grace or be understanding and nonjudgmental for all the ways I've failed today... because I certainly can't grant myself any grace.  It's unfathomable.

But the funny thing is... I have realized time and time again how simple it is to encourage a friend when she texts sharing a rough moment.  I want her to see her value.  I want her to see her worth.  I want her to realize all she has on her plate and that it's unrealistic to expect herself to have x,y,z completed by the end of the day.  Grace.  Give yourself some grace, girlfriend!

But ohhhh how difficult it is to do the same for oneself.  Thankfully, we have a great example of the best grace giver to ever exist.
2 Corinthians 12:9 "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

So the next time, I begin to be overly hard on myself for whatever reason... I want to ask myself "What would I tell a friend?" and then tell that to myself and accept it for myself.  And in that same breath, remember that God's grace is more than enough and even more so, it's through my weaknesses that His power is exemplified. 

Tough stuff though, eh?

Sugar and spice and everything nice X 2

We are thrilled to be welcoming a second baby girl into our family!  The ultrasound showed normal and healthy growth; praise the Lord!  She appears to have had a growth spurt recently as my baby bump has become more noticeable and she has also been much more active to the point where Caleb can undoubtedly feel her kicks.

We found out the day before Thanksgiving so we'd be able to tell my family in person.  We had announced our pregnancy this way so naturally, I wanted to announce the gender in the same way, using pumpkins.  
You'd think there would be some pumpkins available somewhere the day before Thanksgiving but no.  None.  At all.  I went to 4+ stores and people would ask "Pumpkin....What do you mean?  Canned pumpkin?"  No no.  A pumpkin.  An actual pumpkin.  Like small ones for decorating a table perhaps.  I thought a pumpkin meant pumpkin but I guess it confused people.  Not to mention that Christmas decorations were everywhere which normally I'm all for but in this case, I thought couldn't you just hang on to some fall decorations through Thanksgiving?
I had wanted to paint a small pumpkin pink and write lil' sister on it and have Selah carry it to her grandparents but alas, that planned failed and I had to come up with plan B very quickly because we had T-minus 1 hour before we were leaving town (and we hadn't even packed yet).

I remembered I had some pink straws leftover from Selah's birthday party so I just printed off some pink lips, cut them out and taped them to the pink straws.  It wasn't what I was hoping for but it had to do.  This was taken about 2 minutes before we walked out the door haha  *sigh*  too rushed.  Too rushed I tell you.  But that's another story.

I feel so bad because baby girl is already getting the short end of the stick.  I've barely taken any bump photos (I think I took a picture every week documenting my bump growth with Selah).  I've heard this is how it goes with kids #2, #3 and so on.  And it is proving true.  Sorry kiddo!  I will work really hard to get a baby book done for you!

Here she is at 21 weeks :)

I've been feeling pretty good in comparison to the first trimester.  Just the typical tiredness but I can't complain because I'd much rather be tired than nauseous.  I had strong cravings with Selah but surprisingly nothing strong with this pregnancy.  I guess the one thing(s) I want more often than anything else is milk products (bagels with cream cheese, lots of cream cheese, milk, chocolate milk, chocolate shakes, etc).  
I don't remember the last time I got a good night's sleep.  But I've accepted that it will be like this for year's to come.  
My hips and lower back are starting to feel the strain but overall it's going very well.  I can't believe I'm over half way through this pregnancy already.  

Now that she has made their official announcement, it's safe for me to say my cousin Aimee is pregnant with their first baby and I am SO EXCITED!  We grew up together and were college roommates at TIU; I so wish we lived closer so we could experience pregnancy together.  I'm looking forward to taking a bump picture at Christmas!

Here's to the exciting adventure of raising two girls; we couldn't be more excited and a little scared all at the same time :-)